Quiet. Alone. Finally!!!!

I am alone today for the first time in almost 5 months. What an honor. I am having a blast. Listening to some Jack Johnson. I can finally stand myself to actually spend sometime alone. Just me, myself, and I.

Jack Johnson: Wasting Time

Movie: Enchanted.

What I did not know was that everything counts. Yeah it does. What you do, how you act is what molds your world around  you. that was something that I really did not get. I thought that a cute smile, tears and some of the worlds best acting could fix it all. I could never do anything wrong. I tried really hard with this concept of owning up to what you do. Actions speak volumes of your person. So in a nut shell. I FUCKED UP big time.

I learned that life is not about your job, your car, money... it is about the person pressing keys and what the words typed actually mean. It means that I have to own up, admit that I was terribly worng. I wonder sometimes if I ever really learned anything in Kindergarten?

I went 30 years of just coasting by, not ever really looking at what I was doing and how what I did would effect me and the people close to me, people that depended on me. And, man, when that time comes, the time when you can not run and hide, the time when you have to really see what you did, oh man, when that times comes.. God bless you.  That time came for me and WOW, I had pissed away a brillant life, a brillant career, a brillant exisitance. I pissed it all away. It came with such a heavy price, my life. but you know what, I would not have it any other way, I would not have changed a second...

Now, living still in the the aftermath of pain, I know. I have a clear picture. What I did to myself was horrible, sad, miserable. And I have learned. Have I ever learned. I can no longer relate to my friends, everything in my past has made a sad now, so I can have a pleasant future. A future that I am working to build. I literally have nothing but the clothes on my back. I have no money, no job and the world is mine. I Jossyl, have to depend on other people to exist, to keep in touch with my family. I am finally here. This is my moment. My time to just get it right. Because the end point is what matters the most. I have 1 person in this world that is waiting for me and I can not wait to hold her in my arms and tell her that I fought tooth and nail for this. I take nothing for granted, not a single breath of air because I should not even have air in my lungs. I should be 12 feet under. cold and gone. That was my future.

I sit here typing, hoping that someone can get something from this. The joke is on you. Let me tell you. you can run around being Mr and Mrs Ikea and Pottery barn, but as you fill you dwellings with commercial things to impress everyone ,even yourself. can you look in the mirror and say that you really and truly know yourself. the gift that was given to me is beyond priceless. I can look and see that yeah I could of went on living this lie and that lie would have eaten me alive and I would of passed the evil on to another generation and destroyed so much in the process. I would of had a that cookie cutter life and I would have been the living dead.

I have nothing, yet I have everything. Only God could do that, and yes I said it God. People are free to live and to be and this is me, this is what I have, this is what happened to me.

So yeah, I have the world in front of me and what I do from this point, is what I do. It is all on me, may I live and learn and continue to go on and just do what I have to do and have an amazing quality of life in the process.

Song: AK 2000 - Drowning, Kooks- Naive          Movie: WANTED

Thanks for reading. Jossyl  

Yay. It's spring again! I went to the Corrections academy and graduated on January 25th 2008. I've been working at Sullivan Correctional facility for three months now. I like the job, it can be a little boring, but boring is good when it comes to being a corrections officer. Working with convicted felons all day definitely changes your perspective on things. The pay is good but I still can't seem to make ends meet. I know i'll get caught up at some point it's just very frustrating right now. I still haven't sold the cabin. I have no idea what I am going to do with it. Losing that payment would help me quite a bit.

First off, let me start with this simple phrase - We are not alone.

I am not alone, for so long I felt alone. I felt lost.  I hated myself, my life and everything about me. This destructive behavior has lead me down a path of awfulness. I became this monster living inside my body. This monster tried its best to fool me, my friends my family. It tried to destry me.

So here I am today, Today I start my war, I become the warrior that I am and take this monster on.

I will win this because I am not alone.

Song - Peeping Tom: We are not alone

Movie: Invasion 

This will be updated in clumps of dates.  Seeing as I do not have easy-access to a computer anymore, and I am trying to keep busy and not eat but am not allowed to skip meals at the group home I am living at.  blah.  However, I am still tracking daily and restricting like mad with the occassional B/P still (hence large weight fluctuations -_-)


Nov 9: 172.2 
Nov 10: 171.0
Nov 11: 171.2
Nov 12: 170.0
Nov 13: 171.6
Nov 14: 169.8
Nov 15: 168.8
Nov 16: ??
Nov 17: ??
Nov 18: 171.6 - OINK.  fatty.  stop.  eating.

***** IP from Nov 21 - Dec 5 ******

Dec 8: 166.0
Dec 9: 166.2 ~ MOOOO
Dec 10: 165.8
Dec 11: 166.8 ~ FATTY
Dec 12: ??
Dec 13: 171 ~ WTF?! EEEW!
Dec 14: 168.4
Dec 15: 165.2
Dec 16: 164.8
Dec 17: 164.6 ~ YUCK.
Dec 18: 164.6 ~ eeeeew!
Dec 19:  164.2
Dec 20:  163.6 ~ FAT-O-SAURUS!
Dec 21:
Dec 22:
Dec 23:
Dec 24:
Dec 25:
Dec 26:
Dec 27:
Dec 28:
Dec 29:
Dec 30:
Dec 31:  *** GOAL 143 OR LESS ***

****.

I can't stop thinking about the train.

the ****in prob is that I promised Katie that I wouldn't

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

why do I have to keep my word?

**** this sucks ass!

my stomach is grumbling

lovely anxiety attack

****

that is all

I don't deserve food.

I want a sandwich.

****

I can't sleep

such is my life

frig, it didn't post.

stupid thing.

God I hate this computer.

*shakes fist*

anyway, I am still sick.

I am thinking once my birth certif gets in that I will apply for my passport and then ask a friend from the USA to drive to IL but say she is going to VA or something so we can cross at buffallo / ontario border, and then I will stay in the trunk.  HAHA as long as she doesn't get a suprise inspection it shall work!  otherwise I will likley be banned from the USA for life or something retarded.

Peggy (one of the RSW's) just snapped at a resident for asking why the cafeteria was closed.  It shouldn't be closed.  We should be able to get water or juice when we want, not just at meal times.

I hate it here.

Fuck.

I am going to bed again shortly.  Fuckin sick and cold and eeeew.

*hugs*

it better post this time.

Randii

currently stuffing my face

eeew

oh well, I will likely purge later

And then, no more food just very-watered-down apple juice!  that will be after breakfast here (which will be purged LOL).

ughhhhhhh I just wanna stop eating!!!

I need a friggen' job!

*sulks*

off to finish stuffing my face now!

*hugs*

Randii

I will go KICKING AND SCREAMING if they try it!

they are trying to get me into a program called Bellwood or something in TO, ON.  I DON'T WANNA GO!!  I JUST DON'T WANNA HAVE STREP ANYMORE!!!

People are always fighting here.

Blah.

I feel like poooop!

I miss Katie...

I was a piggy today....

UGH!!!

tomorrow is only JUICE!  apple juice (very watered down) and water!! 

I miss my kitty Gracie.

that is all!

mwa hahahhahahaha

going to bed at 8 or 9 maybe.

blah.

anyway, my head is pounding.

I need a job.

but I am being smiled at by the cutest little 3 month year old!  awww Jesse soooo cute!

I have strep throat.

woo-hoo.

that is ok, it will make it easier on this fast since my doc was like, have warm liquids, here's some antibiotics (the sample packs since i don't have a drug plan atm), sleep lots, try to refrain from purging.

hahahah.  key word is TRY!

I need a nap.  Then I am online at the KPL from 4:15-6:15 (yes this is to avoid dinner lmao).

I had some chicken soup broth at lunch and then ended up purging anyway.  Everytime I cough I wanna puke and everytime I hiccup something comes up.  it's gross.  I need sleep.

Tomorrow I want to go to one of the temp agencies in town and drop resumes off at some offices.

*hugs*

Randii

yes it has been a while since I posted on this site!

However since I am currently staying at a shelter I cannot access myspace, but then I remembered I had this site!

I am currently fasting, today is day 2, I want to go to dec 21.  I started it at 12:30am on nov 12 so I am going to go to 12:30pm on dec 21 (longer if i can get away with it!)

I am currently avoiding lunch, successfully avoided breakfast, and yesterday fasted all day for my barium UGI xray and ultrasound (which was today).

Yesterday I weighed a heaping 171.6 lbs, so I will update this one when I think of it next, but I have not weighed yet today, so I obviously can't do that now.  lmao.

anyway.  there is much new stuff, but there is not enough time or brain power in me rigght now to write it out.

I am considering getting a job with the RCMP and maybe trying to get a spot on a border or in the usa if I can.

*hugs*

Randii

Okay, so I heard from the corrections academy and I'm scheduled to start December 3rd. I'm excited and scared at the same time. I'm afraid I'll embarrass myself and get sent home. I'm not in good shape, at all. I was supposed to work on that this summer but I just never did. I have about a month to work on it. I need to get my ass in gear. I'm not sure what to expect, I don't even know if I'll be able to do this job, but I need to do something that has some sort of future in it. Waitressing/bartending is fun but it has no benefits and the money is sporatic. I need something steady with benefits.

Noel and his girlfriend broke up. My god he's cute, but very hard to read. I'm not sure if he's flirting or if he's just like that with everyone. hmm..doesn't really matter, i'm leaving soon anyway.

One of the good things about the corrections field is that the majority of them are men. My chances of finding someone will be good.

I'll have to leave my hometown wich could be difficult with Aidan and Jacob. The custody arrangement would have to be changed. and I'd have to find someone good to watch Aidan. I won't let him be watched by just anyone. It's going to be challenging but I need to do this. I've become so lazy and complacent. I needed something that would completely change my life...this is definitely one way to do it.

First i'll start off by saying what I'm thankful for because I don't do that enough.

I'm thankful for my boys, they are both healthy and relatively well behaved.

I'm thankful for the help my family gives me.

I'm thankful that I don't live in a third world country.

I'm thankful that I just got a new job at The Great Escape Lodge.

I'm thankful that I have people renting my cabin so I don't have to worry about the mortgage anymore.

I'm sure there are more things...

Since my last entry..Alex and I have become really good friends...i miss him now that he's in Chicago. He finally met his "blue eyes" and they are absolutely infatuated with each other. I'm happy that he's happy, but sad that I'm not.

I got a new job at the Great Escape Lodge as a housekeeper. Although I know it's not a glorious job it will be a big step to paying off my bills.

Well, lots have changed in the past year or so. My husband went from the National Guard to the US Army. We had our big wedding last September...it was beautiful except for the fact that my mother in law wore black to my wedding. Who cares anyways...she is a half-bubble off level. We got pregnant shortly after the wedding and in November we got the shock of our lives. We tried for one baby and got TWO. I gave birth to our Army brats in May. They are little stinkers.

I don't really know what Army life is like. I am staying with my parents until my husband comes home from his second deployment to Iraq. Yea!! Gotta love the Army...sign 'em up and ship 'em over. It's been hectic. Taking care of twins is more than what I bargained for. For all you that only had one at a time, you got it easy. For all those with two...I am with ya. For those with three or more...God bless you and Heaven help you! I got my hands full with two...I was terrified that I would go into labor just to find out that one was hiding and there were actually three. I am happy with the two that God blessed us with. Do we want anymore? Don't know yet. We got a boy and a girl the first time, so we may just stop while we are ahead and I am still semi-sane.

I love my little ones. They are the best things in the world. They wake up and give me smiles even when I feel like I can't go on. This deployment has been particularly difficult. I am miles away from my home, my idiot neighbors gave our cats to the Humane Society (yes we got them back...and they were in bad shape), my only friends in this world are miles away, and I am taking care of twins. It gets very lonely sometimes. It won't be long until my husband comes home, though. Thank God. The bad thing...I know this won't be our last deployment. It's like Russian Roulette. They just keep sending them over until they hit the hole with the bullet. I am terrified every day for my husband's safety. Everyday is a challenge and there are new challenges everyday. I was gonna write a book...looks like that one is gonna have to take a back seat.

I have lots to vent about, but it will have to wait. I am exhausted and really need my sleep...while I can get it.

Army wives: send me some comments. Let me know how you handle the day to day.

Still swimming with the sharks, and I only have one leg left. I still haven't sold the house and I'm starting to think it will never sell. I decided to list it in the papers to rent and I have quite a few responses but so far nobody has signed a lease. I did have a guy come look at it today that seemed impressed so I'm hoping he'll rent it. He seemed nice and responsible and he had a good job so I wouldn't have to worry about getting the rent. I am so behind in all of my bills. If I don't send the mortgage company 1500 by the end of this month they are going to start foreclosure then I won't have to worry about renting anything. This sucks. I just want to be stable again. I was so stupid jumping into this. I love the cabin though, i'm really hoping things will work out so that I can keep it. I'm pretty sure that's not going to happen.

My love life is still pretty much nill. I haven't had sex in almost two years. MY GOD. I really don't miss it all that much though. I'm pretty content being on my own. Love will find me when it feels like it. I have a little bit of a crush on the manager of the Long View. He's derranged but I think that's why I like him. oy. He's also married and completely off limits, but it's nice to get the looks sometimes. Jason finally got back in touch with me, it's been like two weeks. i was starting to get worried about him. He says he's okay but he's been whoring, drinking and smoking even more than before and I can tell that he's really down. I wish we lived closer so I could help more. I'm am VERY not in love with Bar anymore. It was weird. One day I was talking to him and I just snapped. I was repulsed by him...since then I haven't even had a spasm of feeling for him which makes my life a lot less complicated.

The foreign students from the Long View have gone home all except for Alex and Sebi. Zuzi and Paul when home, they lived in Slovakia. They were such a sweet couple. They never had a bad word about anyone. Iryna was from Bella Ruse and she was nice but very quiet. I didn't really get a chance to know her because we didn't work together a lot. Alex and Sebi come from Romania. They are both funny. Sebi doesn't speak much, but he's funny in a subtle way. Alex is much more outspoken and he's hot. He was painting the lodge and he wasn't wearing a shirt. I couldn't keep my eyes of from him..his back was so muscled and tan...hmm...maybe I miss sex more than I thought. lol. They are going back soon though. Sigh.

After Columbus day the long view pretty much closes down so if this corrections thing doesn't work out I have to start looking for a new job. I hate job searching. it sucks.

My brother is really starting to worry me he drinks pretty much constantly now and he misses work a lot. I think the only reason he hasn't lost his job is because of dad. He really has a problem but I know that you can't force them to change..i'm hoping he's smart enough to realize he needs help.

My bills just keep piling up. I feel like i'm sinking further and further and I see nothing to help me. I have 185 dollars in my account and I have like 2,000 in bills for this month. I need to get rid of the house..but no ones buying. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. It seems hopeless.