First off, let me start with this simple phrase - We are not alone.

I am not alone, for so long I felt alone. I felt lost.  I hated myself, my life and everything about me. This destructive behavior has lead me down a path of awfulness. I became this monster living inside my body. This monster tried its best to fool me, my friends my family. It tried to destry me.

So here I am today, Today I start my war, I become the warrior that I am and take this monster on.

I will win this because I am not alone.

Song - Peeping Tom: We are not alone

Movie: Invasion 

Up to now, I have used this nifty blog space to vent about my life, awful love life and my personal feelings. I just read thru it and it damn depressing. Time for change. So I will think of something different to do.

XO - Joce

Keith and I have been a couple for 1 month and some days. It feels like we have been together for way longer than that. Maybe because everything surrounding our relationship has been pretty intense. We meet each other at really low points in both of our lives. We spend our first 14 days spending, literally, every moment together.  Then I had to go back to my normal life.

We have the same intrests, love the same music, he is so smart it is scary. He plays guitar, bass, and the drums. oh, and he rocks a mohawk, which I just love. He is his own person and doesn't care how the rest of the world views him, which is exactly how I am. The funny part about our relationship is that he is 23 and I am 30. (Jossyl has a young buck). He can be super mature sometimes, and then 5 seconds later is this free spirt that decides he wants to do back flips off the display bed in Bocovs.

I just love him! I really, really do. We already have plans to get married, I call it a half engagement, because if the two of us can actually make it, then I have truly found my soulmate.

song: Ex's and Oh's- Atreyu .... Nothing to do with what I just wrote, but this song just ROCKS!!

movie: Pride & Prejudice (w/ Keira Knightly)

Keith took his ex's picture off of his myspace page. WOOO HOOO! I am so happy, it is just another way for me to see that he really is into me. Damn I hate being so ....insecure that he is just using me. Why can't his words just be enough for me. I am working on it. I have to learn to trust sometime and I really do not want to mess this relationship up because I have issues.                       Jossyl deserves to be loved!    Jossyl deserves to have someone in her life. Keith and I are not perfect, who is, but when I am with him I feel different. I feel this silver chain that connects from my heart to his and back again. He loves me and I love him, I just wish I was able to see him today. I miss him, he just makes me laugh.

I hate that I still manage to let my heart get ripped out of my chest!  I should just stay away from relationships, they pain is deadly.

So, I feel in love with Keith just to see something on myspace that has totally freaked me out. Maybe I am just reading into this way too much, but damn I need answers! I need to know. We were supposed to get married. Am I really at this place again? Have I been so damn naive?

On a brighter note: my life has changed. Thanks to a little place called Malvern Institute.

Just for today....

Movie: Fast and the Furious: Toyko Drift

Song: The Kooks - Naive

What I would love to see in 2007 - Change.

Change in the way I see myself

Change in what I do, how I spend my time, my money

Change....

maybe even change the hurt in my heart... maybe let someone in.

Maybe even have a day where everything is not exactly the same.

Change is good... well that is what they say....

2006 has been bittersweet, mostly bitter. What exactly is wrong with me that I am still single. Maybe it is because I look in the mirror and still don't get what I am looking at.  Or maybe when I meet someone I already know it is not going to work. I have no faith, but in 2007 that is going to change...

Happy New Year!

It has been a while.  I just did not have anything to say, but how my life has changed in a few months.

I love my new job. I heart my job. I is great to be working in an environment with people my age. Life in general has a new meaning. I have meet some marvelous people in the process. I've been able to see some real examples of how life should be lead. I've been able to see past what I thought a guy should be and how guys really are. Which leads me to Billy.

I am totally in love right now, with a real human being of a man. He's not perfect, but he is so perfect for me. He is sweet and a gentleman. I hope he is the one. I could not imagine my life without him.

So wish me luck.

We Should Fall in Love [Ben Macklin Remix]

Movie: Jackass 2

If I had to choose a song titles to describe my life thus far it would be "Bullet and a Target" by Citizen Cope, which I would probably of never heard if it wasn't for Kelly Slater's radio show on Sirius Radio, and “wrong way” by Sublime. Not that the story in the song is something I went through, more I have done so much the wrong way. I’m not on some pity party, I’ve just spent so much time in the past months reflecting my life and the things, events that have made my life so unique from others. I totally did things the wrong way, I put myself in these situations that are just messed up, but I have no regrets. Like I’ve always said, you should never regret what you can’t change. If you can change something, then fix it, if not move on and just find the lesson taught.
Moving on:    Weddings – I HATE them
Not really, but I am just in shock of the whole behind the scene wedding production. The pure torture of it all just for one day. Saturday I shelled out over $200.00 for the Bridal shower, gift from the bridal party and a $54.00 ham that I had to buy because my oven at home broke. That price does not include the bridesmaid dress, shoes (dyed), unified spa day(possible), hair and makeup or bachelorette party. I’m so done! I’m sick to my stomach.

I love my new job! LOVE IT!!

Kelly Slater is in the lead for the ASP Men’s Surfing.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that my sister is trying to plan a shot gun wedding in 1 month. August 27th and she is pregnant. The wedding I am in is on September 16th.  I don’t even have time to think right now. My whole summer has been stripped from me from pregnant sisters wanting the wedding of the century in a month,  my best friends wedding and a spoiled sister surprise baby shower.
Oh well…. I’ll make the most of it as long as I have my buddy Jack Daniel’s & Faction 28 on Sirus Radio, everything will be fine,

SONG => Anti - Flag: This Is The End (For You My Friend)

                 Sublime - Wrong Way

                 Dredg - "Bug Eyes"

                 Citizen Cope - "A Bullet and a Target"

Movie => Superman

Listen => Kelly Slater's Radio K-OS on Faction - Sunday 8pm EST - 5pm Pacific

Someday I will look back at this time of my life and laugh at myself....

Someday I will finally have my stuff together....

Someday....

Cause in the end we are just re-born again. Funny thing about that. My favorite lines from a song speak of handing my love my mortal life, but will it be forever. I am a lost girl, searching for that place where I can fit in and call myself home.

No one seems to take the time to actually understand how other people work… function. Technology and the future cloud the present. What does tomorrow mean if you don’t even know what you did today. What does it mean to grow with someone if you don’t even know why they start brushing their teeth on the right side, top and work down and to the left.  So many conflicts could be avoided if people could just take the time to understand where the other person is coming from.Location, how they were raised is such a key factor into someone’s behavior reactions. I love to be the silent observer and just watch the little things. For example, there is this guy I am seeing, well call him Mex. He is so tough and so whatever, but yet when I leave him at night he wants me to call him to let him know that I am home, safe. He checks in after a few days of not talking and always makes it a point to answer the phone when I call. He even admitted to me he likes hugs. It is those little moments when you catch someone off guard and for a few seconds and all the walls and filters are gone, and you see the perfectly messed up person that they are.

My 29 years of life have been a ride. But no matter what I still to this day regret nothing. That is just the path that I am/ was living. Now if there was a way to change the past then, yes, I’d be the first one in line many times during the day/ week etc. to fix what I did. But since there isn’t then OH WELL!! What is done is done.  Just live and learn. 

 I may never have my one true love, so instead, I will love myself. I <3 myself.

Song: Lost Boys - 69 Eyes

Movie: Crazy Beautiful

I'm So Sick
Flyleaf

I will break into your thoughts
With what's written on my heart
I will break, break

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

If you want more of this
We can push out, sell out, die out
So you'll shut up
And stay sleeping
With my screaming in your itching ears

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so sick
I'm so sick

Hear it, I'm screaming it
You're heeding to it now
Hear it, I'm screaming it
You tremble at this sound

You sink into my clothes
This invasion makes me feel
Worthless, hopeless, sick

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so, I'm so sick

I'm so sick, infected with
Where I live
Let me live without this
Empty bliss, selfishness
I'm so (I'm so)
I'm so sick (I'm so sick)
I'm so (I'm so)
I'm so sick (I'm so sick)

this song kicks ass!! Girls RULE!!

check out their myspace:  I'll put the limk up later...

I should be happy, thrill right now. I've got this amazing job. I love it. My life should be excellent... but instead I have become this monster. I guess deep down I am still the awful person I have fought for years to not become. And as the Sh*t hit the fan, one of my favorite groups comes out with a song that describes what I am going thru to a T.

"Animal I Have Become" Three Days Grace

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this animal

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

this is not the real me, I need to tame this animal I've become. Thank God I am not alone in this world, who knows what would become of me....

I was watching the Viva La Bam Spring Break show and I noticed that Novak had a new tattoo across his belly. Carpe Diem - Seize the Day. Which lead me to one of my favorite songs ever.....

AVENGED SEVENFOLD
"Seize The Day"

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry
These streets we travel on will undergo our same lost past

I found you here, now please just stay for a while
I can move on with you around
I hand you my mortal life, but will it be forever?
I'd do anything for a smile, holding you 'til our time is done
We both know the day will come, but I don't want to leave you

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Newborn life replacing all of us, changing this fable we live in
No longer needed here so where do we go?
Will you take a journey tonight, follow me past the walls of death?
But girl, what if there is no eternal life?

I see my vision burn, I feel my memories fade with time
But I'm too young to worry (a melody, a memory, or just one picture)

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

So, what if I never hold you, yeah, or kiss your lips again?
Woooaaah, so I never want to leave you and the memories for us to see
I beg don't leave me

Seize the day or die regretting the time you lost
It's empty and cold without you here, too many people to ache over

Trials in life, questions of us existing here, don't wanna die alone without you here
Please tell me what we have is real

Silence you lost me, no chance for one more day [å2 then continues in the background]
I stand here alone
Falling away from you, no chance to get back home

I had a pretty decent weekend. The whole weekend was destined to be good. There was the Viva La Bam Spring Break episodes. And then when I was checking the guide, I saw that there was the Kelly Slater Celebrity Surf Invitational. A whole hour of the world's greatest surfers and some really cool celebrities. Life really could not of gotten any better, and yet it did. My girlfriend that I never see came down and we went out drinking. We bumped into a ex-in law of hers and he bought us drinks. Not only that,  he came in with some of his friends and his one friend was this guy that I had seen earlier in the week doing construction up the street from my house.  The guy, we'll call him "Diddy" cause everytime I see him, I sing a little diddy in my head cause he is what one would call marvelous. So we exchanged numbers and he called me today. Woo Hoo!!  and yes, he is another guy with tons of tattoos. I can't help it, I love the bad boys. or at least the image of a bad boy.

Movie: Hitch

Song: Ferry Corsten - Whatever

p.s - I just got a Sirius Radio and I am just beyond impressed. Right now I am listening to Kelly Slater's Radio K-OS and there is this really mellow, chill Hawaiian music on and I am loving it.

Well this weekend was pretty good. I went out on St. Patrick's Day and had a blast. I went with my BF from Jersey (Joy) and we went to the local bar and meet up with my PA clique. We were knocking the drinks back when I looked up and my crush was standing there. I gave him a hug and we were chatting and he asked me out. He was like "Call me!" Well that is when I chime in that we had never exchanged numbers. So we exchange numbers and guess what. I am not going to call him.  

I know that sounds ri-GODDAMN-diculous. Brian is hot as hell, he is the guy that all the girls want and all I ever wanted was his number, just so I can have it. Just so when I am feeling down, ugly, sad whatever, I can look at my phone and think to myself that I could call Brian, but I will not do that, cause ... well I am a really bad track record with the guys from this town, I tend to choose the hot/not nice guys and everything goes all wrong. And that is the last thing I need right before I start my new job. I do not think that Brian is not nice, but I really do not want to find out. So YEAH ME!! 

4everlostnalone -  Where are you? I am totally miss you and yout blogs.

Movie: Crossroads

Song: I write sins not tragedies - Panic! at the Disco

There is nothing better than getting a new lease on life, the darkness rises and all you see is light. Then you find new music, and it is exactly what you need. Not only that, the music is perfect. Currently as I type this I am listening to Gym Class Heros. I had no idea who they were until I got into Fall Out Boy. Thru FOB, I also found Panic! at the Disco. These 2 groups are providing the soundtrack to my life right now.

These are my new favorite groups:

Jedi Mind Tricks

Panic! at the Disco

Gym Class Heros

and http://www.myspace.com/garudababy  (my friend Joel's new band)

So if you get a moment check these groups out, there are very good, totally talented and deserve to get more fans.

Movie: SuperMan 2

Hey All!! Well I am back from being super anti-social. I was laid off for a month and Friday I just got a job, so I am beyond stoked. And I got a huge pay raise.

Just when thought that life could not get any better I see this (http://www.nbc.com/Video/videos/snl_1439_natalieraps.shtml) posted on a blog that I read all the time. (www.exceptionalkia.com)

anyway, check it out!

Movie: HP and the Goblet of Fire

Song: the song that goes "just another love TKO!!"

I haven't been on in a while! They changed everything. It looks pretty cool. The job hunt is coming along. I think I need to go back to school. The computer field is pretty competitive and I need more education to compete. It is either that or get an awsome Gov'ment job. So that is that. I'm totally enjoying my time off.

Movie: Half Baked

Song: any thing by Jedi Mind Tricks

I got laid off on Friday.  Life pretty much sucks on levels that I never knew existed.

I had a boyfriend for 2 weeks. It was like love at first sight, it was wonderful and perfect. For the first time in 4 years and 9 months, I was not single.  I had my crazytown - Butterfly romance. We were Bonnie and Clyde w/ a mix of Angelina nd Billy Bob.  Then we got into our first arguement on Wednesday night and he tried to hit me.  The relationship is over now and I am beyond sad, beyond upset.

Tuesday if you asked me about my relationship, I would of told you that it was amazing, that it had potential and that this could be the "one". 

When it came to this senario, I always had the answer that "if a man tried to hit me or did hit me, that the relationship would be done so fast and that I would not tolerate that kind of behavior and just cut him lose. So can someone tell me why everytime he calls I want to just pick up the phone and talk to him. He left a billion messages and he's sorry, he didn't know what happened and that he is not like that....

I can easily see how some women get caught up in an abusive relationships. 

I'm not going to lie, that past 48 hours have been really hard.  [the name Joey(the ex) will be replaced with Terd]

Terd and I had so much stuff planned. Stuff like when we were going to get married and having kids, buying a house, me going back to school, starting our own business. 

Today the tears have stopped flowing, at least for now.  I have to pick myself up and figure it all out, again...Where are all the good guys?

From the Bottom of my Broken Heart - Britney

Movie: Natural Born Killers