I Have a Tendency to Make Myself Laugh

I've Learned To Live Holy, I've Learned How to Live Right, I've Learned to Suffer, For if I Suffer I Gain Eternal Life...

I feel like every week I grow so much that it’s hard to recognize who I am by the end of it. This is definitely a growth spurt season for me and I think a lot of times we view trails and changes as a negative when God only sees the positive finish line. For the past few weeks I’ve been searching for jobs (getting some and losing some but not feeling that any of them were right for me), reconnecting and disconnecting with people (that is one thing in life that I believe will be constant), and facing harsh realities about myself that has done nothing but force me to change.

I think it’s easy for us to live life on autopilot like we have everything together. Sometime, I think, we can’t help it. If we focused too much on our imperfections we would be in a constant state of worry, wondering if we would ever get life right. This Sunday God brought something to light in my life that I knew was there but never understood how much it was hindering me. God created us with a desire to please Him and sometimes, even in the church, we misplace the desire to please God with the desire to please man. I didn’t realize how strong that was on me until it broke me down to the point of tears all service this last Sunday morning.

Please understand that it is rare that I talk about things like this so early in my healing process; but I truly believe that this spirit is destroying Christians left and right and I need to get this testimony out.

That was beautiful, and honest

11:12 AM, May. 31, 2006 .. Posted by Anonymous

You know me, well sort of. I guess I'm pretty different, and so are you. That's fair.

I appreciate that post. I think it's honest and to me that is the highest form of testimony and, in a way, worship.

I have been at the moment when things become rehearsed and polished and they loose their authenticity. I have felt that moment, when too often, I honetsly think that prayers come not out of heartfeltness but of a selfish desire to prove oneself as the best of the christians. And that's a hurtful moment to realize that is either a part of your or has become a part of something you love, or maybe you just think you love. I felt betrayed and I felt like everyone looked down on me for feeling that or seeing that. Maybe I didn't see it, but I felt it and I felt alone.

I know with God's strength you will be renewed, but let it be an experience that helps humble you in experience instead of becoming a "I've been there, I beat it" sort of thing. Let the struggle be honest.

I was not a sinner when I realized I did things for "god" and "church" because I thought people expected it and I owed it to them, and you may call me a sinner now but that's just labels. But i can say now that if anyone asks me about God and where I've been and how I feel I can be honest with them, and that is a greater testimony than I ever gave when I was full of the "church" spirit.

I hope you get what I'm saying. I like that you're honest when you're healing, but when you heal remember the process and the humility. There is a temptation to become a -for lack of better words - bragging victor.

I love when I hear what is real, on all levels.

Thanks