I Have a Tendency to Make Myself Laugh

What I'm Really Thinking...

            Change is easy… but transition is scary. There are a lot of changes going on with our church that directly effects me. Our minister of music (minister Jo-Anna) is moving to the next level in her life; which means she will be moving on to a different church. That (for those of you who don’t know) is a huge deal. Jo-Anna has been such a big part of our music ministry for years. Her moving on will leave quite an indent. It’s funny though cuz moments like these really show you how much you really depend on God (or not). We have interviewed a few people to take her place as band director and there is one person we really like. When they said they were going to hire someone else I figured they were going to hire another Jo-Anna (someone to run everything), but it looks like that’s not the case. God’s doing a lot with me. I feel like Peter thrown in the deep water and told to walk out in faith. It’s been awhile since I’ve been in this position spiritually. It’s really quite terrifying. Isn’t it funny that I have wanted to be a worship leader for years but now that I’m here… I feel like running. I know that is totally the enemy. I know that God wants to use me in a big way but this is really scary. What if I fail? What if I’m not praying hard enough or in my word enough? It’s scary to think that if I’m not spiritually ready to war for every soul in our congregation I could be what helps keep them stagnate. That kind of power is not the part of the job that I like. I just really need to focus on my prayer life and make sure that everything about me is holy.

          That’s another thing: it’s easy for me to act holy. I don’t drink, smoke, party, sleep around… heck I don’t even really flirt. Visually I am the epitome of holiness. It’s my mind that needs work… my heart; to be honest isn’t always sanctified. I think awful, mean things on a regular basis. Now don’t get me wrong I’m not ugly inside. I pray and read my word and really do my best to please God with my inner dialogue… but it is hard sometimes. I get really scared because so many of my friends have lost a big part of their relationship with God because they weren’t holy on the inside. And as you know a house divided can’t stand (a little compromise is a big sacrifice). So one day they all had to make a choice. I’m scared that if I don’t choose Jesus/holiness now with the little things (like my thoughts) then when the bigger things in my life come I will be so rusty I’ll get lost. I just can’t gamble my salvation like that. I need to press for something more. I just don’t want to get pulled so far away from God by life that I just give up on seeking/pleasing Him. There’s the real Lindsey for ya. Linz      

"Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But then he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, he cried out, "Lord, save me!" Matthew 14:30