I'm here ....lol this name is like a bad r eminder of all the things i've been trying to run away from. But neway, work has been coo..i feel weird working with girls my age though, i feel so disconnected from them, ah well...it's a fairly easy job, a lot less stress than my old job that's for sure, and the great thing about that is i actually get more money...yayyy...

this weekend was a trip. I hung out with an old friend and it was nice and weird at the same time. I feel i have an automatic block built into my heart...kinda keeps me from opening up to certain people. Lately i've been having a real hard time opening up and being expressive with so many ppl..ppl who once hurt me...right now i think this "block" is a good thing, it's just that every now and then i allow myself to "think" and 'remember' and i get a lil down....a feeling a deep disappointment that gets worse in person, i dunno it's like looking at them is an instant reminder of my disappointment, luckily the person who disappointed me the most lives miles, &  miles away...i dun think i could face him everyday if it where any other way.

I can still talk to these people, i can joke and laugh, but investing any real emotion ..i find it very hard. This weekend hanging with my old pal, i sensed such remorse in them, but...to allow myself to care again to me would be a dreaded mistake.

But, i miss the companship of people; people who enjoy the same things as i do, who don't have romantic feelings for me, and who don't always bring up the fact that i dun return their feelings.

My friend has a way of doing this, i know he doesn't realize he does it, but it makes me feel bad. One of those things i can't control. So in that sense hanging old with my old pal this weekend was cool, but when they looked into my eyes...i felt sad.

But...change is a coming...something major is about to go down...(dun ask me wha it is yet, cuz im not quite sure lol just a feeling, infact ..the feeling is so strong i wake up feeling so dern excited!)