Long time no blog!

Well i survived the blackout ( week long power outage) but some people here still don't have any air, and it's been very hot outside, so it's been deadly. Anyway, not here to talk about that. As most of u know( i assume u do anyway lol ) I haven't been dating for about hmmmm 5 mos? It was my choice, i can't explain it, but i needed a break. It was a hard choice though because i hate the idea of no companionship...

Growing up was a lonely time for me. I am the only girl between 2 boys, i was fat, and bashful! No guys wanted to date me, girls were only my friend while at school, and my brothers had each other , no need to hang with some fat girl.

I adapted to being lonely, but i never liked it, i accepted it as my fate, but i was miserable. I  grew to have this depressed spirit, but i hid it behind smiles and jokes. My mom and i never had a relationship, but my father was my best friend.

Anyway, around 8th grade i began to row into my looks. I got more looks and more attention, boys had crushes on me...but they were secret crushes because i was still the fat girl...now just a cute fat girl. I still wasn't being invited to hang out outside of school, so my loniless continued.

By 9th grade i was so used to being alone i didn't really know how to step out there and make new friends.To make matters worse we MOVED which meant all the people i knew in middle school were gone , and here i am facing this HUGE highschool with no one i knew..bummer)

I got taller by 9th grade, which meant i lost some weight,...so  i was thinner...and cute...no one knew me as the ugly fat kid..which made it ok to  have a crush on me!..And crushes they did have...lol..in 9th grade i discovered that i had a way with guys, ..and i liked it!

Although i was getting a lot of attention from guys, i never accepted any offers. I was afraid, i didn't know how to be a girlfriend, i didn't know how to slow dance, i didn't know how to kiss..and i was too shamed to let these experienced guys see that i had no clue, so instead i just avoided it.

I kept that mentality all the way til i was out of high shcool. Thats right, i didn't get a first kiss or boyfriend til  college. That's when i really blossomed. I was out of the cute stage..and into the "pretty" stage...infact it became pretty rare if i didn't get approached at least 5 times a night from random guys. Taking advantage of all this i went out EVERY NIGHT....and as much as i could. I accepted most every offer to hang out or go out from guys, when a guy would ask for my number..i'd give it to him even if i wasn't attracted to him.

I became somewhat of an attention whore..lol but i really wasn't trying to be. It just i always got the attention, even when i was trying to lay low . I was a NOTORIOUS flirt....flirting came easy and natural to me, and sometimes when i wasn't even trying to flirt, i'd be flirting...it was crazy.

But for like 4 yrz straight i was never alone...i always had a guy..if not more to call up and go hang out, to cuddle or do more if i so chose to do so lol.....it was what i needed to make up for the lack of it  in my childhood i guess....but don't get me wrong, i did not become a whore. I NEVER had sex with any of those guys...not a 1.

At 23 i remained a virgin..so put ya judging tongues back in your mouths lol

So why would a girl who spent so much time as a child alone who then morphed into  somewhat of a social butterfly now chose to go back to the lonliness?

It's a question i still ask myself , but even though i can't always come up with an answer, i know it's something i needed to do.

When my father died( my best friend) i became  very vunerable and i think my friends worried that it would be easy for  someone to take advantage of my situation. I mean, at first, i didn't think i was acting any differently, i didn't think i was vunerable...but i was...i was acting out, and looking for someone/something to feel that void.

A lot of things happened to me during that time that i wish i could take back, but i can't, i just can't. In many ways i feel i did get taking advantage of. During that time i got very close to some people, and now...a year later i look around and wonder where those very people went. Some people  pulled away from me, and some