I forgot how janky it can be when u write a longggggggg blog, when u got to post, it acts like u havent written a thing!

Anyway, big changes since i began this blog. I no longer associate with any of the people previously mentioned. Thats right, no twyon, judy, dakota, Tyrus, or any of the extras, mike 1, mike 2, brandon, antione, tre',...crystal..crista..kory,,..none!

why?

I have always loved Jesus, but something had always held me back from hearing God and knowing his will for my life. That something was me...its always been me, ive always been blinded to it, even though i always knew he was there. I had many dark spirits over and influencing me. Sure i didnt steal, kill, have sex or curse...but i was bound up by other things. Since i haven't been hanging out.....i've been able to think clearly and be intuned to God's spirit. Therefor, all the things that aren't for me, i let them go....all the ppl that i'm not good for or that aren't good for me i let them go. It was soooo hard, but i trusted God. I'm still trusting him because i know he will give me the ppl and things i need. I want God ordained friendships and God ordained romance. I want him to be the center of everything i do. And my life previous to now..he was nowhere in my daily activities...no where.

I used to be a very venegful person, if u hurt me i'll do whatever to hurt u back. But mine was like a silent kind of revenge...u'd never see it ocming.

Now...(as hard as it still can be) when someone hurts me, i mean like really hurts me the way dakota, kory, or tyrus did...all i do is just let it go....i let them go,. ...i dun try to get back at them, i dun try to make them feel wha they made me feel...i literally jus step away from the situation. I'm so used to sticking around, endulging in the hardships life threw at them....and with tyrus...walking away was hard, i feel like i went out like a punk. But i decided to let God handle it, cuz after  dakota broke up with me, then my dad died, then kory played me for my good friend, by the time tyrus hurt me i was completely broken. I thought my life would always be a vicious cycle ot heart break.  I had no will left to  do anything.  I was completely broken. I never healed from any of it..i just always replaced one with another....so i was carrying all that hurt, all that pain on my back ...everyday....i tried to replace all that with other ppl...new ppl...i met more guys, and in the friend department i kept it small with judy and twyon who it almost pained me to hang out or talk to,. ...my mother and i werent close, david was awayy at school, al married and moved out....although i hated being around them for dirr reasons i felt tha twyon an djudy were all i had...i HAD to keep them around.I wasn't doing anything wiht my life, sitting around on the computer allllllllll day, going out with meaningless guys, working a worthless job with no benefits, ignoring my health.....i was MISERABLE..totally depressed........i was either going to die....or somehow break free. I didnt have the strength or courage to kill myself...i was too proud to do that anyway. I wanted them all to hurt the way i was hurting, i was totally bound by anger and pain...i was out for blood. But everytime i set out to hurt one of them, i'd end up in more pain.

In church one day i nearly collasped in my moms arms. I was crying so badly, I dun know if it were that day or the following sunday, but i went to the altar and came humbly before him. I cried  into his arms and rest my head upon his chest. It literally felt like everyone else had left and it was just me and God in the room. I felt like i was glowing, and i could literally feel his prescene all over me, all around me. I went and got prayer from one of the couselors, ms. linda( ill never forget her) i told her i wanted to be closer to god but was distracted by wanting a husband and wanting to be loved. She prayed for me, a rather simple prayer.....but i swear to u..it changed my life. Sense then.....i've began to put God first in my life in all areas...and well thas how i got to where i am now. The void id been searching for my whole life  has finally been filled...and its so ironic because i used to  surround myself with others to fill it, but it took completing being on my own to get there. I'm so at peace now.....im finally happy with no friends and no man......i never thought this could happen to me.

Its not just with friends and men......im a go getter now, i have drive and direction in life...i pay my pills and im on my way to actually hving good credit. I  havent been on a date since i dont know when, and i havent had a kiss since my 24th birthday. Im working , getting there 15 mins early to a 7:30 AM job, with benefits, and working as a board member to a pretigious community center . Im an active member of my church...and becoming a prayer warrior.

God has promised tha 2007 is my year of increase in all areas o fmy life. I stand oin that word, believe it and trust it. I love life, and im finally not just alive, but living!