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| I was a cocky( in terms of interpersonal relationshipz) naive, self righteous, and spoiled. In terms of guyz ( the ones i fell for) i was clingy, jealous, possesive, and non trusting...in terms of self..i was non decisive, non assertive...and a plain ol push over. My life used to be full of pain, but i finally said NO MORE. Thre differenc between now and then is that i finally have help..... |
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I
knew this day was coming for awhile now...the seed of doubt was
planted, watered daily, and allowed to grow ansd grow until finally it
reached where we are today. Living in the shadow...I'm living in the shadow of love. Once upon a time, i was able to love and be loved, and the guy...he showered me with affection and everyone....all his friends knew how he felt from the way he presented himself, the way he neglected the company of other girls, the way he spoke to me not caring who over heard, what changed? Not sure, but that's when the seeds were planted. Thats wha i desire to have again, a romace full of affection, full of desire, the warmth of just knowing i am appreciated, loved, wanted. I promise, to live my life to the best, to have the kind of home, car, and lifestyle i desire, even if that means having it alone. But i will have it! I can be alone right now, i can. It's just so frustrated having someone telling you they want you, they need you....but deep down you know things haven't been right since the day the seeds were planted. Sure they come off as they are trying to you....but it akes more than just saying you are someone's mate to actually say you tried. Especially when everything you do excudes how unhappy you are.....that frustrates me. You sure you trying? From your words all i gather is that you realize you made a mistake...where's the warmth? where's the love? where's the p***ion? where's the effort? I love me some him...remember that song? I admit, i miss that, feeling that way, of course i still love, but ...i could never go back. I'm tired, emotionally drained, it's not about our mistakes , it's about how easily i was ready to forget, to move on , together, to grow, to love....but as always, i knew it wasn't something that was going to last, July 22, 2005...the beginning of the end, and i knew it, but i didn't want to look like the one "not trying" or the "negative one" the one who came off as not caring enough to give it another go, so i erased the bad thoughts from my mind as best i could, and focused...focused on working it out. But after a week or so, i realized....'what's the point?" Pushed to the edge...and it doesn't even matter anymore. | ||
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