1st my comp is so janky, i'm actually sneaking onto my mom's comp to type this lol but anyway today was interesting , started off coo went to church and  pastor preached on love,and thinking and being positive. A negative + a negative will always equal and negative. That message has been very profound for me bcause i tend to do the opposite..when someone huts me i tend to shut down, i mean completely shut down as of late, and not only tha but i'm
"mean to em" ...ah crap...my mom wants me to go to my aunts house to get her some pop corn, MAN1 sHE ENVER FREAKING LET'S ME "CHILL" EVERYTIME I SIT DOWN TO DO SOMETHING SHE IS CALLING ME..ughh anyway, imma finish this first....i talked to K today , i had a bunch of 'sexual' questions tha i needed to ask someone, i told him he was the only one i felt i could talk to without making uncomfortable in some sort of way. He's the only guy friend i know who doesn't like me in some way, he said something tha made me think he does still kinda like me, at least on some level...oh well..it's weird though i have no feelings for him at all, like, not even a lil bit. I put up a complete wall between him and my h eart, one no one could ever break through.

He was helpful in his answers though, basically, i know wha im gonna buy lol..anyway...i hope it doesn't come to that with me and Tee. I told K i see him as a cousin..i would have said brother, but im very close to my brothers, i'm close ot my cousins too, but the point was i see him as someone with no chance of any romantic or physical attachments. Wasn't to be mean, just stating what it is. He mentioned tha he and my ex friend had to take a lil pause on their 'relationship' that they were getting to close and she wanted more. I think it's funny how things turn out, she spent so much time judging him and putting him down for his appearance jus for him to end up being the man she wants and needs in her life. I have no remorse for ppl like her. It takes a lot for people to overlook the physical flaws in others, and the few of us who can do that are the main ones who get screwed in the process.

I've had a variety of guys in my life, from the extra tall ( 6'5 )to the extra short (5'4), extra thin..to the well..you get the picture. I'm still battling my 'feelings' for a certain someone, K commented on how much i talk about him lol..."ur always talking about him, actually, u have avlways talked about him a lot even when ya'll were jus friends" ..i dunno that made me feel funny..like "dang" i mean i know his name is my word vomit..but i didn't know it was "like that"...we don't talk as much, my doing...i guess i'm bracing myself...bracing my heart and pulling away before things really get deep. It's confusing though, that he isn't pulling away from me...that he still calls me at 9 in the morning jus to say hi, he kinda makes it hard, and confuses me on if im doing the right thing. .."maybe he can get over his ex enuff for us to be together? But then i feel guilty....they were together for 3 yrs..and this is their first break ...he should go back and at least try to work it out, see if there is anything worth salvaging.....but then again...she started to treat him like crap, and told him  he no longer had her heart, that she was in love with someone else. All games...she did it to get his attention, to bring him back to her, but they were together at the time, and her games really hurt him. My question is,...why did he start acting distant toward her in the first place ? Why was she so desperate for his attention,..Seems like a lot of communication problems.

oooh mom coming...ok im back

but then i think, " i dun really wanna be with him anyway, i mean there aren't any real factors except height and age difference..which hey i've adapted to wearing flats everywhere lol..but i dunno it seems so right when we're together, but so wrong when i allow myself time to think. Blah-imma jus stop thinking about it.

I decided not to hang with someone else tonight. He's around the corner from my house and gonna be calling when he leaves, i could be like ok come on over, but there's nothing to do but watch movies, and i don't wanna give him the impression tha i wanna "make- out"

I dunno whats wrong with me? I'm lonely and i want someone, but seems tha all im doing is pushing people away???Anywho...for some reason, everytime i went outside tonight i kept thinking about a specific scene from the movie 'saw 2' ..hmm tha was a creepy movie, but i finally saw it lol

Hmm, hmm what else, i decided i want a new line of work. My co-workers are so inconsiderate, gosh! I'm so ready to start my business =/.. it's in the works though!