My Life

• Sep. 24, 2008 - Duh!

okay so i just figured it out. oprah calls it her "aha" moment - i call it my "duh" moment! it occurs to me that i want someone to rock MY world. i am the one always rocking the world of my man. well, it's high time i got what i want, what i need. and that is to have my world rocked and waved. i do not mean sexually necessarily, but that would come with it i think. when i am connected emotionally, when my world is being rocked, that's when i end up being blown away in that way. so...duh!

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• Sep. 10, 2008 - Wednesday 10/September

well it's a wonderful night b/c my bf is traveling and i can actually get some peace and quiet! i am sitting here, quiet and peaceful, with a wonderful glass of wine and my little poochie. oh yes - this is what i need, trust me! i am so excited about moving to my new apartment in three weeks. well really four weeks because in three weeks my bf has his kids and the last thing i want is the three little kids disrupting my karma, my chi. i want to start this journey sans children! this may sound strange, but i have to take control of my life, and part of that control is starting this journey with only the best possible karma or chi i can muster up! i don't think that starting my new life, in my new apartment, would be enhanced with a man yelling at his kids all day. so, i am waiting an entire week before moving into my new place. instead of moving in 4/october, i am moving in 11/october. it will be well worth it. except that i know he'll want to sleep over the first couple nights. and honestly, i won't say no. i won't be able to say no. no kids and my new apartment? please. he'll be there. but the good thing is that it'll be MY place! so that means MY RULES! and, if he has to go pick up his kids for an hour or two, so be it. i choose to stay at my place. me and my dog. gawd i cannot wait!!!!!!!

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• Sep. 7, 2008 - Sunday - Birthday Boy

so...today is my boyfriend's birthday and we decided (i and his children) that we would prepare his favorite breakfast - pancake birthday cake with candles, eggs, sausage, and fresh fruit cut up by his 9 y/o daughter, hot coffee and orange juice - and so we did. we prepared it while he slept quietly in his nice dark bedroom. we entered with "happy birthday" candles blazing from the pancake birthday cake and sang a wonderful (?) rendition of happy birthday to you! we moved the party into the dining room so we could all eat together and celebrate the beautiful morning. before he finished eating his breakfast, he excused himself for a little, well, you know, bathroom business. can't fault him for that. but 20 minutes later he still hasn't emerged from the bathroom so i knocked gently to ensure he was doing okay in there. well it turns out he got in the shower. never finished the meal which is really fine because i am not a member of the "clean your plate" club. rather, what really bothered and even hurt me is that he never came back out to talk or to sit and just be together. he never does that. so there i am, cleaning up the terrible mess we created with our clandestine breakfast preparation, all alone. i found myself crying a little. could he really be that clueless, that ego-centric? i mean, i don't get this guy and in my previous post i said that our souls are not aligned and every day i see that more and more. amazingly, i am really lonely with him. i got to missing some aspects of my now-defunct marriage and some of the qualities i really loved in my exhusband. for many years we had a great marriage. we loved hard and we were solid and strong as a couple and as individuals. back then he had a way of making me feel so special and so appreciated. that's what i miss. and the current bf, although kind and generous, doesn't seem to "get me" because he is so wrapped up in his own life that i, and my needs, more than frequently fall by the wayside and i find myself, after a year with him, that it's a futile exercise to bring this stuff to his attention anymore because he just cannot seem to come out of that box he lives in. i don't understand it because he says he loves me and cannot live without me. i have news for him - i do not believe i can live with this man for the rest of my days because i will be a very unhappy, lonely woman.

wow that was a big post wasn't it. i'm just eaten away inside with angst and frustration with him. soon i will have my own place - lease is signed and deposit has been paid - so i just have to bide my time some. i feel that i have to fake it for another three weeks until i can be free to be myself, who i am on the inside.

well, since it's his birthday i told him i would go along with anything he wants to do today and he chose a long bike ride with the kids - that suits me perfectly so i'm happy that's the activity of choice. if he'd chosen a long car ride i might have had heart failure! cooped up like that when i'm feeling like this? uh, no thanks.

well that's my morning and its not even ten o'clock! sigh...but i will find joy in my day because i make my own joy. i create my own moments of zen and bliss and today will be no different.

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• Sep. 6, 2008 - Saturday - the WEAKend...

i'm not a lover of weekends. i know its crazy, but weekends - i call them "weak"ends - make me insane sometimes. right after i left my cheating husband, about 15 months ago, i finally started to enjoy the weakends. soon they were really enjoyable. i was on my own, not tied down to anyone and no responsibility for others except my dog, koda. so instead of keeping my independence, i meet this guy who has three - yes THREE - kids. young kids. and i have to say that the responsibility makes me crazy. today is rainy and i've been dreading this weakend all week. you see, until next month i am living in his house, with the three kids, so i don't have my own life. if i want to hang around and watch tv i feel guilty because he doesn't want to. he's the type of guy who thrives on chaos, on being busy and crazy and frenetic; i am quite the opposite in that i am constantly striving to find my bliss, my zen, my center. i want peace and harmony. i need and crave those things and the frenetic chaos of this man's soul really doesn't work to that end. so i am moving into my own place real soon - the first of next month. and then, maybe the, i will be able to find my center, my bliss, my zen. i will be searching for it and trust me, i'll recognize it immediately because that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach will be gone, or at least minimized.

i realized something about myself today: my dream, the one thing i want more than anything else in the world, is to live a quiet life, maybe in a little house near a stream or a brook, or even a beautiful river. and i don't want to live that life by myself. i want to find a kind and happy man to live there with me, to live our quiet and full lives together. i would wear cowboy boots and dresses in the springtime. this was a revelation because i thought i wanted something else all these years. turns out i have been living someone else's life, some else's dream.

they will soon be home. all four of them, with their crazy energy and nutty, frenetic ways. at least one has a sleepover tonight - that will ease the craziness for sure. you know, all i want to do these days is go to sleep. just head to the bedroom and sleep. of course, my boyfriend will soon join me and will disrupt even that peaceful moment. because he cannot be calm. he cannot be in a state of bliss or zen. he doesn't have that kind of mind, that kind of soul. i do. oh boy do i ever. and i'm so happy to know that about myself. he is a very kind and generous man, and he is very, very good to me in so many ways. but our souls do not connect. they don't even reside in the same place. so...wish me luck tonight as i settle in to this crazy evening with these crazy people.

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