No one really listens.  I don’t think anyone ever listened in the first place.  We’re all too busy listening to our own crying in the dark to realize there are other people in the dark right beside us sobbing long into the night.  That’s my problem, you see.  I keep relying upon other people to listen, other people to save me, but they won’t.  The problem is, I have to save myself, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to save myself.  Because that will only confirm the fact that I’m all alone, and I’d rather hold onto the false, feeble belief that there is someone out there who wants to save me.  Even if there is, I think by the time they find me it’ll be too late.  I’ll have died from self neglect, just like my mother.  In the end we’re all destined to become our mothers.  I guess that wouldn’t be so bad, because I loved my mother, but she was always so lonely and sad, and I’m tired of being lonely and sad, I don’t want to be lonely and sad.  You wonder why I’m writing all of this, probably.  Why I’m putting this somewhere where strangers can read this and pass judgment over my pathetic excuse for a reality.  I’m writing this to stay alive.  Because if I’m not writing this, then I’m just crying alone in the dark with no one to save me.  I don’t want to go back there.  Not again.

I think people enjoyed reading my last blogs.  They were funny, angsty, and petty.  They don’t like this one.  They read this and instead of thinking how young and naive I am as they did with the last one, they think I’m selfish, sad, pathetic, and even pettier than that other blog could ever have been.  But when I write in this one, I’ve got nothing left.  People have sucked it all out of me.  They’ve filed me away as someone funny.  That’s all they want to hear.  The jokes and the laughter.  I’m not funny, and I don’t think I ever was.  I don’t think anyone has really ever found me amusing, only in the way that it’s kind of funny when someone walks into a pole or falls off their bike and skins their knee.  “Boy, look at that person, they just hurt themselves!  That’s pretty funny!  I enjoy watching your pain.”

9:40 PM - Jul. 24, 2006 - post comment