I wish I could make all of the **** in my life go away.  I wish I could stop being so angry with everyone and stop making everyone so angry at me.  I wish I could just fix it all.  I wish I could fix me.  I wish my dad would stop being such an asshole.  I wish he would actually start giving a **** about me.  I wish I wasn’t such a dead-beat.  Or at least destined to become one.  All of the things people think about me seem to be wrong.  People either think the worst of me or they think the best of me.  I can’t take it.  It’s too hard for me.  And if what everyone keeps telling me is true, life just goes downhill from here.  I’m not sure if I’m willing to stay in it.  I’m not sure if I’m willing to put up with being treated like **** by everyone including myself.  I’m sick of fighting.  I’m sick of all of it.  I’m sick of my life, I’m sick of my dad, I’m sick of myself.  I’ve been fighting the crazies for way too long and I’m just not willing to put forth any more wasted effort.  Let it be a blank white screen.  If I could die tomorrow, I would.  I wish I was in a coma.  Then maybe they could all hold onto knowing that I wasn’t dead, but I could still get away.  I wouldn’t have to be my own parent any more.  I wouldn’t have to be a father to my dad any more.  I wouldn’t have to be the good niece/granddaughter any more.  I would just be ‘that poor little girl in a coma’.  I wouldn’t have to be a good friend any more, or a good student.  I wouldn’t have to go to work and think that they’re just looking for an excuse to fire me.  I would never have to feel like I was ‘bad’ again.  I would just be oblivious.  Comatose.  Close enough to dead to make me happy, and far enough away from it to make everyone else happy.  And then maybe one day, I’ll just die out of the blue.  People die every day.  People go into comas every day.  So why hasn’t it happened to me?  It’s not like I want or deserve to live anyways, so what’s the harm in one more added to the death toll? 

1:30 AM - Jul. 26, 2006 - post comment