pains?!

Posted on Jul. 23, 2006 at 01:21 - Post Comment

just came home back from wedding... in a very empty house, all the family decided to spend the weekend out of the city. it is really strange to come back so late into the empty house, i feel extremely tired, stressed and scared. the wedding was really good till the certain moment there when i started to feel bad. first i didnt pay attention to this and thought may be because of the food there, i really didnt take enough care of what i was eating, besides i didnt have a breakfast and lunch, so i really thought my feeling bad was because of this. i know i should have paid more attention to what i was eating but  i thought, it has been already 1,5 months since the operation so i may eat something from the forbidden list. how right the doctors were - i really should have eaten only these things that i am ALLOWED to eaten. sure i was crazy when i decided to break the rules... after feeling bad for a while i started having pains, very strong pains, almost likethe pains i had before the operation. my first reaction was a fear. on the one hand i know there shouldnt be any pains any more because i have my procedure done and everything should be great now, but on the other hand - they WERE real PAINS and that made me feel kind of scary, i really didnt know what to do, all i could do was just taking a lot of painkillers, like 5 or 6 i guess (thank god i always have my painkillers with me) and just sit down and wait till the pains are away, besides i didnt want to tell anyone about that because i didnt want to ruin the whole holiday for my friends, just didnt want that the biggest memory of their wedding would be me having this stupid pains. as soon as the pains calmed down i took a taxi and came home, where nobody is right now. kind of scary, isnt it? bad dreams, pains of no reason and nobody here to take care of me, i really want to cry but i cant - i need to be strong right now because if not i then who will take care of me. the problem is i really dont know what to do - i am kind of helpless in this situation: i cant sleep because of nightmares, but i am tired and need some sleep; i shouldnt have pains but i do have them and dont know why? what can cause such pains when everything is already removed there?! live gives us a lot of surprises, very unpleasant though. all i want now is complete rest with no bad dreams, no pains, no people around, just rest... why is it impossible?????? do i really deserve this all?

happily no pains still after having painkillers, i guess i wont be able to eat anything tomorrow... and i really hope i wont have any dreams today at all.

i close my eyes and  think about you. no matter where you are and what you do and what you are thinking about right now, i know that when i close my eyes you are with me and i feel safe...what i really need most now.. thank you for giving me this feeling, even when you dont know that you give so much to me...i love you

for the rest of the world... please take care of yourself and people close to you, they may not tell you that they need to be taken care of but... they really need... we all need...