weight log & measurements (update daily)

This will be updated in clumps of dates.  Seeing as I do not have easy-access to a computer anymore, and I am trying to keep busy and not eat but am not allowed to skip meals at the group home I am living at.  blah.  However, I am still tracking daily and restricting like mad with the occassional B/P still (hence large weight fluctuations -_-)


Nov 9: 172.2 
Nov 10: 171.0
Nov 11: 171.2
Nov 12: 170.0
Nov 13: 171.6
Nov 14: 169.8
Nov 15: 168.8
Nov 16: ??
Nov 17: ??
Nov 18: 171.6 - OINK.  fatty.  stop.  eating.

***** IP from Nov 21 - Dec 5 ******

Dec 8: 166.0
Dec 9: 166.2 ~ MOOOO
Dec 10: 165.8
Dec 11: 166.8 ~ FATTY
Dec 12: ??
Dec 13: 171 ~ WTF?! EEEW!
Dec 14: 168.4
Dec 15: 165.2
Dec 16: 164.8
Dec 17: 164.6 ~ YUCK.
Dec 18: 164.6 ~ eeeeew!
Dec 19:  164.2
Dec 20:  163.6 ~ FAT-O-SAURUS!
Dec 21:
Dec 22:
Dec 23:
Dec 24:
Dec 25:
Dec 26:
Dec 27:
Dec 28:
Dec 29:
Dec 30:
Dec 31:  *** GOAL 143 OR LESS ***

11:00 AM - Dec. 20, 2007 - comments {1} - post comment

****.

I can't stop thinking about the train.

the ****in prob is that I promised Katie that I wouldn't

FUCK FUCK FUCK!

why do I have to keep my word?

**** this sucks ass!

my stomach is grumbling

lovely anxiety attack

****

that is all

I don't deserve food.

I want a sandwich.

****

I can't sleep

such is my life

12:23 AM - Nov. 19, 2007 - comments {1} - post comment

:| FRIG

frig, it didn't post.

stupid thing.

God I hate this computer.

*shakes fist*

anyway, I am still sick.

I am thinking once my birth certif gets in that I will apply for my passport and then ask a friend from the USA to drive to IL but say she is going to VA or something so we can cross at buffallo / ontario border, and then I will stay in the trunk.  HAHA as long as she doesn't get a suprise inspection it shall work!  otherwise I will likley be banned from the USA for life or something retarded.

Peggy (one of the RSW's) just snapped at a resident for asking why the cafeteria was closed.  It shouldn't be closed.  We should be able to get water or juice when we want, not just at meal times.

I hate it here.

Fuck.

I am going to bed again shortly.  Fuckin sick and cold and eeeew.

*hugs*

it better post this time.

Randii

7:41 AM - Nov. 18, 2007 - comments {3} - post comment

stuffing my face

currently stuffing my face

eeew

oh well, I will likely purge later

And then, no more food just very-watered-down apple juice!  that will be after breakfast here (which will be purged LOL).

ughhhhhhh I just wanna stop eating!!!

I need a friggen' job!

*sulks*

off to finish stuffing my face now!

*hugs*

Randii

5:11 AM - Nov. 17, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

treatment?

I will go KICKING AND SCREAMING if they try it!

they are trying to get me into a program called Bellwood or something in TO, ON.  I DON'T WANNA GO!!  I JUST DON'T WANNA HAVE STREP ANYMORE!!!

People are always fighting here.

Blah.

I feel like poooop!

I miss Katie...

I was a piggy today....

UGH!!!

tomorrow is only JUICE!  apple juice (very watered down) and water!! 

I miss my kitty Gracie.

that is all!

mwa hahahhahahaha

going to bed at 8 or 9 maybe.

blah.

anyway, my head is pounding.

I need a job.

but I am being smiled at by the cutest little 3 month year old!  awww Jesse soooo cute!

3:22 PM - Nov. 16, 2007 - comments {1} - post comment

sick

I have strep throat.

woo-hoo.

that is ok, it will make it easier on this fast since my doc was like, have warm liquids, here's some antibiotics (the sample packs since i don't have a drug plan atm), sleep lots, try to refrain from purging.

hahahah.  key word is TRY!

I need a nap.  Then I am online at the KPL from 4:15-6:15 (yes this is to avoid dinner lmao).

I had some chicken soup broth at lunch and then ended up purging anyway.  Everytime I cough I wanna puke and everytime I hiccup something comes up.  it's gross.  I need sleep.

Tomorrow I want to go to one of the temp agencies in town and drop resumes off at some offices.

*hugs*

Randii

10:43 AM - Nov. 15, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

I'm back :D

yes it has been a while since I posted on this site!

However since I am currently staying at a shelter I cannot access myspace, but then I remembered I had this site!

I am currently fasting, today is day 2, I want to go to dec 21.  I started it at 12:30am on nov 12 so I am going to go to 12:30pm on dec 21 (longer if i can get away with it!)

I am currently avoiding lunch, successfully avoided breakfast, and yesterday fasted all day for my barium UGI xray and ultrasound (which was today).

Yesterday I weighed a heaping 171.6 lbs, so I will update this one when I think of it next, but I have not weighed yet today, so I obviously can't do that now.  lmao.

anyway.  there is much new stuff, but there is not enough time or brain power in me rigght now to write it out.

I am considering getting a job with the RCMP and maybe trying to get a spot on a border or in the usa if I can.

*hugs*

Randii

7:33 AM - Nov. 14, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

good songs... stupid myspace

ok, so lately i've really really  really really been obsessing with my weight... in fact, today, i have to wear layers so that my sister doesn't get mad atme for losing weight while back in k-w.  *shrugs* anyway, i would have posted on my myspace account, however it keeps coming up with technical errors when i want to load my add new blog part.  so, here i am again.

artist- superchick title - beauty from pain
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know I’m alive
But I feel like I died
And all that’s left is to accept that it’s over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder
I feel like I’m slipping away

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best I can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can’t understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how You’ve brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here I am at the end of me
Trying to hold to what I can’t see
I forgot how to hope
This night’s been so long
I cling to your promise there will be a dawn

After all this has passed
I still will remain
After I’ve cried my last
There’ll be beauty from pain
Thought it won’t be today
Someday I’ll hope again
And there’ll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Artist: Superchick
Album: Beauty From Pain
Track: Courage

I told another lie today
And I got through this day
No one saw through my games
I know the right words to say
Like "I don't feel well"
"I ate before I came"

Then someone tells me how good I look
and for a moment
For a moment I am happy
But when I'm alone
No one hears me cry

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how I changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment
For a moment I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when but what I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow
Together we'll make it through somehow

I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we can make it through another day

Binge + Purge - Lunachicks

Can't have an inch of fat on my bod
Gotta get on the cheerleading squad
Play try-outs are next week
There's a foxy guy I gotta meet

Mom won't let me eat too much
But in my room I go and stuff
Ipecac & Exlax are my best friends
I'll have my head in the toilet till the end

Fingers just not long enough
This time the purge is gonna be tough
People tell me that I'm thin
Then they ask about the bruise on my chin
When I'm home I eat as much as I can
Pretty soon I'll need a bedpan
No guys like me 'cept for Lax
But he's my ex!

chorus

Binge and purge the whole day through
I threw up on mom's good shoes
I made a mess in the school bathroom
Someone's bound to catch me soon
Binge and purge

Mom found me on the floor
Blood stains on my Christian Dior
Now I'm in the hospital
They feed me from a bag on the wall
Me & my friends do it all together
Circle purge will make it better
Ruptured my esophagus
But I'm still a hippopotamus
Just can't seem to figure it out
Why my teeth keep falling out!

chorus

The Gossip - Standing In The Way Of Control

Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again and I'm not lying

Oh oh oh
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control

I'm doing this for you
Because it's easier to lose
And it's hard to face the truth
When you think you're dying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again but you don't stop trying

Oh oh oh
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control

Standing in the way of control
We live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We live our lives
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives, lives, lives, lives on

Your back's against the wall
There's no one home to call
You're forgetting who you are
You can't stop crying
It's part not giving in
Part trusting your friends
You do it all again, you don't stop trying

Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control
Standing in the way of control

Because of standing in the way of control
Because of standing in the way of control
We will live our lives, lives, lives, lives on

11:07 AM - Mar. 3, 2007 - comments {0} - post comment

the last one

this is going to be my last entry on theblogs.net :)

i am not extremely sad about it and dont expect anyone to feel sad about it... i had good 10 months of being here, sharing my thoughts with the world, though this world was quite small :P

i've met some nice people through blogging and i have been happy here... but now it is time to move on. i just cant stay here because of some personal reasons :) even though i am happy again and am finally over it. still i dont want to be here anymore. i wont delete any of my entries. some of them were really good. sometimes i reread them and can see how much different i am now... at least my english has become a bit better  

i want to thank all of you who has been reading me and supported me all this time.

if some of you do want to read my blogs further you just have to ask :) write me at toplena@gmail.com and i will tell you the new url :)

ok, enough for now... it seems to be like the whole era ends now

here is the last pic i will ever post on theblogs.net

thank you very much and good bye :))

 

PS. the right e-mail address is top.lena@gmail.com

(thanks, abhay :P)

06:58 - Oct. 9, 2006 - comments {5} - post comment

happy

01:57 - Oct. 9, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

i have learned.... after 9 months

since i am going to stop blogging here i was re-reading some of my entries here and had an absolutely new point of view to some of them. it shows for how different we are with the change of  time. 10 months and you see an absolutely different person ... and when you see and read the same words you have absolutely different meaning of them...

so here there are words that i have posted about 9 months ago... they are still very true but have a different meaning for me now :)

I've learned-
That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
That no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned-
That you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned-
That you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned-
That it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.
I've learned-
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned-
That we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
That either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I've learned-
That heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
That my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
That true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned-
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.
I've learned-
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I've learned-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
That we don't have to change friends if we understand that friends change.
I've learned-
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.
I've learned-
That no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will hurt in the process.
I've learned-
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strength to help.
I've learned-
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

05:59 - Oct. 7, 2006 - comments {1} - post comment

how are you? i am fine :)

well... the last couple of days were not that bad. after the realisation of the fact that nothing may go the way i wanted it to be for the last 10 months and may be it is really better so. i think it is really better so... i am adapting very well to this new situation and really like it a lot. may be not a lot but enough to feel myself protected from all the negative emotions and calm and not nervous about anything. just like myself, normal me again with no nighmares, no stress, no pains... i can smile again, just so.. without any reason like i did before the only one negative thing (well... may be not negative..) that i again have to rely only on myself and believe only in myself. but as most people on this planet i can manage this pretty well i am strong though i used to be weak last months.. time to be back and get my strength again life is peaceful at the moment, may be for the first time for the last 3 months and i enjoy it

04:59 - Oct. 7, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

decisions

“Sometimes you make the right decision, sometimes you make the decision right.”

 

- i made a decision, and i am sure it is the right one. i dont want to torture myself with all this. it is really to painful to bear. besides all thisstress causes physical pains and i was told by the doctor that if i dont stop doing it to myself i might end up in the hospital again which is something i really dont want to happen :)

i had a break down yesterday, had been crying for an hour non-stop and even after that i wasnt sure i cried all te pain out. i dont deserve this, do i? nobody does... i will not be able to go through something like that again, not in this life and not with him.. i want to be happy and it is impossible while i am thinking about the entire situation. i might as well finish writing blogs on theblogs.net because everything here reminds so much of him. i want completely  get rid of this feeling that is eating me from inside. and may be it will be the wrong decision and i am making a mistake but it is how i feel now - it is better for me so, i believe this truly... i changed myself or better to say he changed me - i guess it is better so because we need some change in our life... i cant say i learned a lot from this experience - just i again lost something so importand and will need time to get it back :)

i know i will be alright, i know he will be alright. i wish he will be happy because from all people on this planet he deserves happiness may be more than others.

with so much love in his heart...

 

02:47 - Oct. 6, 2006 - comments {1} - post comment

wise words

i dont remember if i posted this before, anyways it even doesnt matter because i feel a need to post it :P

Wise words
===========
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to
ever let you down probably will.
 
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder
every time.
 
You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
 
You'll fight with your best friend.
 
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
 
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose
someone you love.
 
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

02:09 - Oct. 6, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

00:51 - Oct. 6, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

"Girl"

yesterday i had a song on my mind which i couldnt remember at all - it was eating me yesterday and today until i finally remembered. :) the song is really great!!!

Artist - F.R. David

Song - Girl

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.
Girl you're in my mind
spinning around my brain
and I go insane.

You light up my life
You make the sun shine
And you keep away the rain
Sweet is your emotion

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and the harmony.

Babe, you're the only music of my life
if it never ends I'll never die
when you're happy makes me feel so good
when you sad I feel the same way too

you are my song

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.
Girl you're in my mind
spinning around my brain
and I go insane.

You light up my life
You make the sun shine
And you keep away the rain
Sweet is your emotion

Fly! Listening to you makes me feel so light.
You're the one who sends me in the sky
You control the rythm of my heart
And I hope that beat will never stop

You are my girl
you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.
Girl you're in my mind
spinning around my brain
and I go insane.

Girl you are my song
you are the melody
and you're the harmony.

05:26 - Oct. 4, 2006 - comments {3} - post comment

slept in

10:23 AM - Oct. 3, 2006 - comments {2} - post comment

the same old me

yesterday i had the first lesson with a new student ))) - i can say it is the best student i ever have given privat lessons. A 14 years old girl, her english is better than i expected it to be but most of all i liked how we could get along with each other from the very first minute. i really enjoyed  giving this lesson.

yesterday after the lesson i cama home pretty late - it was dark ouside already and i again realized how much beautiful my city is, especially at night :) 

PS and one more important thing - yesterday night i caught myself on smiling without any reason. it hasnt happened for the last couple of months )) - so i really  think i am finally back to myself, may be to a bit different me, but still a good one

22:03 - Oct. 2, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment

Simple questions - simple answers?

09:45 - Oct. 2, 2006 - comments {1} - post comment

life is good

i have recently got a comment that made me wake up. i dont want my life to be sad, i dont want my world to have black colors. it is not right so, it should be bright and i will do my best to make all the colors come back into my world. life is given us only one time and we cant allow ourselves to be like that, to waste our time on feeling sad and doing nothing. i dont want it any more. of course i know that life IS good and that love IS good though sometimes it is pretty hard to believe. but we all have some black periods and need someone who will be able to help us through  the final thing that made me wake up was those comment and i want to thank the person who left it for me. though i dont know your name (in that case i would say "thank you" directly :P) but thank you for the warm words coming from heart, the warm greetings from Washington :)

00:04 - Oct. 2, 2006 - comments {0} - post comment