I have always prided myself on being a controlled person.  I shouldn't say always when I was younger I had a lot of problems with anger but throughtout the years I have overcame them and learned how to handle myself.  I did this by making decisions and coming up with plans before I needed them.  People joke about me being a stategic thinker and that I plan everything out.  Which is true, I do that to make sure that I am never caught off guard by a situation and don't fall victim to my own impulses.  It was a good plan for a long time all the way untill tonight when I did two things that I cant accept.

       First, I hit a friend over a girl who is not even mine.  I saw him looking at her in what I took to be the wrong way so before I even could stop myself I hit him, however I managed to pull back from the punch at the last second making it seem like really rough playing.  Never the less I did something horrible, and I am having a hard time dealing with it.  I dont value to many things more than my friends so when I do something to one of them it really bothers me. 

        Second, I went back on a promise to myself.  I had deceided that I was going to get over the same girl.  I haved loved her for a longtime.  I was engaged once, and if we had married I think that we would have stayed together, and till this day i think of my ex.  I say all that to say this, I Love this girl so much more, everything seems right with her, everything makes sense and makes me happy.  I love her so much that even though I can't have her i stay at her side, because friends dont stop friends from being happy, and she needs me not as much as I need her but she someone like me in her life.  With that being said I wanted to be tough for her and us and make our friendship work.  Yet, I cant seem to stop feeling this way for her.  She represents my best dreams and my worst nightmares.  I am a huge buffy fan and I was saw an episode where spike went crazy on buffy because he couldnt have her.  Buffy didnt want him because he was a monster, she was willing to give her body to him but not her heart.  Nobody wants to take a monster home.  And There it is.  I'm her monster.(Breakthrough for me folks!)

         So here or the choices that I am faced with, I can either stay away from her until my feelings go away (not likely)  or I can continue to suck it up and be her friend which is the only way that we both stand a chance at happiness.(more Likely)  At first glance this decision seemed really tough for me then I thought back on tonight my happiest thought wasnt watching the superbowl and seeing my team win(Way to go Steelers), it was the 20 minutes before the game playing a video game with her.  Leting her win and watching her laugh.  I've accepted that will never have her but I dont like it. 

          She makes me laugh.  She makes me want to cry.  As much as I hate the fact that i cant have her I dont think i could make it through a day with out her.  I look at her and think how pretty and perfect she is, and even in this ugly world such beautiful things dont end up with monsters.  I could never choose against her.  Not when only my happiness is at steak.  With that said I dont like wanting something that i cant have and will Actively work on finding a way to fix the problem.  When she reads this I want her to know that she is not the cause of my heart ache and that i dont blame her, i only blame myself, she has always been honest and fair with me about her feelings and while i done truely understand them i respect her for telling me how she honestly feels. 

          I wrote this blog for myself because i couldnt understand how i was feeling and after 35 minutes of typing i think i finally have some perspective on the situation.  Perspectinve or not I still wish that she would just fall madly in love with me and we could resolve this whole ordeal.  Seriously, I am a step away from trying a love potion.

           As far as my friend goes he knows why I hit him and I dont expect him to bring it up because men normally dont do that kind of thing.  I know tat i should apologize but i dont think that i will.  Men dont normally do that.

nothing else to say............

So I had my big moment.  Saturday night I had a thought to myself, I said Twyon you have to do this one thing or you will never forgive yourself.  So I did it, I bet as big as i could on love, I threw it all into the table hoping to win big.  Boy was that a mistake.  I lost so bad that I dont even know where i am now, or I dont care where I am now, whichever.  I wish I had the strength to cry, the strength to be weak just this once.  I dont know where I am, the man in the mirror isnt me anymore.  I just wanted to be happy, is that so bad?  Now i am worse than when I started, how did it come to this.  I hate myself for not believing what I knew to be true.  She could never love me.  She told me that she doesnt feel that way time and time again, but I keep trying.  Well not anymore.  I cant rely on love to bring me happiness, and I cant rely on happiness to bring me love.  I hate that i cant hate her, that she remains so perfect to me and like the angel she is just a little bit out of reach.  If only I could cry maybe I would feel better, Hell maybe not.............

I know a girl who has never really been interested in me.  She tells me that I am a great guy and that shouldbe the man she ends up with but probally never will.  Now this is the part that is tough for me, see I love her, I really do, but I realized why she may never be able to love me.

The other day me and her were talking and she was telling me how she treats her boyfriends like a king, and she apoligize for never treating me like one for the three weeks that we were together.  That part didnt bother me so much I figured I like to treat my woman like a Queen but I am not really in to the whole man tells woman to breathe thing.  So she goes on about how great of a girlfriend she is and how she realize that she never really gave me  a chance when we were dating, figured she knew it wouldnt work so why waste her time.  I get that, I dont totally agree but i get where she is coming from. Then she started talking about this guy she dated along time ago and how they werent really a couple but she dted him for six months.  She tried to break up with me three times in the three weeks we stayed together.  But no harm no foul, we didnt work out that way but we are pretty good friends.  In fact were damn good friends.  I wouldnt change that for anything.  There is just one small problem after almost a year of us not being together I sort of fell In Love with her.  I know, dumb thing to do, espacially when I found out how many guys she liked, dont misunderstand I am not one to shy away from competition but the odds were completely against me.  Not to mention the fact that she thinks I have incompatible personality with hers (her words not mine).  So she thinks that I am anal, and that I talk down to her.  Now I dont think I have ever talked down to her, but she says otherwise and I am not going to argue with her about it.  She also thinks that I am a great person, and will make a really good husband and that I am the only friend she can trust.  So one day I started really focusing on The Competition as it were to see exactly one I couldnt when with her against these guys.

Then it hit me like a staight from Mike Tyson.  She needs drama or some type of negative stuff in the guy she dates.  Allow me to clarify this, none of us really have anything in common I have seen some of these guys and can say she isnt going for looks.  By that i mean some of us are over 6ft tall while others, well lets just say they aren't.  Some are big while others are small.  Some goto college and some work, some are men others are boys.  To make the list short we are an extremely assorted group of guys. So one day she is telling me about this guy who is being mean and she is crying over him because she is so upset and it hits me.  She's Crying!!!! Then the wheels start to spin she is crying over him and the guy before that, and the guy before that.  Not all at once but at some point they all made her cry.  Then she starts about how they choose other women over her.  Now this part confuses me because I could never see myself doing that, but this is them. 

So I start thinking in overtime, really working my brain and I come to the conclusion that she never liked the fact that I would be a good choice for her.  I have never intentionally made her cry to my knowledge.  We have known each other for years and only once have we got into an arguement.  She knows I will never betray her and thats why she doesnt want me...  She wants the bad boys, because while I am trying to console her they are being an ass and she keeps picking them over me.  Now she rights on a similar blog ting and i read them and they are almost always about who pissed her off, and what some jack ass selfish person did to her. 

Sunday me and her talked in the mourning for almost 2 hours, I swear to you it was the high point of my day.  So when i read her post that night i was shock to see the only thing on her mind were the idiots that pissed her off.  only them.  I guess who do you remember more the stranger that hugs you or slaps you? 

She tells me that she prays that me and her could make it work, I tell her if I was given a chance but she doesnt here me.  She worries about guys she hasnt seen in years and doesnt know more than she does me.  I would give anything to put her first in my life, but nothing seems to work.  I wrote our wedding vowels.  How sad is that?  I have no idea what to do to show her that this is where she belongs.  I only wanted one real shot, one shot with no pre set failure.  I just wanted both of us to try to make it work.  I know I love her becuase she hurts me in a way only lovers can. I can make her laugh, safe, secure, happy, wet, but i cant make her cry because that would hurt me to much.  maybe i dont deserve her than.................

Have you ever notice how long it takes to forget something bad that happened to you.  Or how hard it is to remember the good times when you atre angry at someone.  Its unforunate that we cant keep some type of running list so we can always be reminded of the good things we have in life.  Take friends and family have you ever been so upset with one of them that you forgot why they were your friends in the first place.  Or so mad that you didnt care to remember.  I have a friend who has upset me more times than I think she knows, and I can never stay mad at her.  She is such a good person that I cant help but think of the things that drove me to her in the first place.  She is so beautiful when I look at her I lose the ability to stay upset. My whole life feels so fake sometimes and she is the only person that i feel like I can be completely honest with.  Funny how it makes her want me less.  So when it comes to her and i think of the bad as far as me not haveing her, I remind myself of the good, That as a friend she willalwayss be in my life.

Moral of the story when someone or thing has you down think of the good before you let the sadness and the hate in it will do wonders on your outlook of life.  and a happy outlook is the most important part of a happy life.

Today I spoke with an old friend, one who I havent talked to in many months.  Mostly because C deceided to not talk to me anymore for a whole bunch of what I would call to be dumb *** reasons, but i digress, she called me today and told me that she graduated.  I was happy for her, one of the worst things about me is my un-ability to hold a grudge with someone I am really an out of sight out of mind type of person.  So shortly after we started talking she started crying about how scared she was of life and just like that I fell back in her trap.  I started concerning myself with how I can help her and what I can do, I know now the reason for that is simple.  Friends dont get to hold grudges.

I am sure that most of you have heard the saying that friends can tell each other everything, and thats true, lok at it like this most of you have siblings, and all of you probaly have friends, but can you say that all of your siblings are friends.  Probaly not.  Thats what make friendship so important, because its a way to become more than family with someone else.  If you choose to make this sacrifice and wear the crown, I think it comes with a life time of friendship, and no matter what happens you have to be there for the person.

But if  a friend betrays you once, get rid of them never give anyone the chance to screw you over twice.  Thats just some sound bussines advice.............

http://darthside.blogspot.com/

I hope you all enjoy I thought he provided much more insight than I normally do, so here you are.

I have this friend who sometimes we do more than be friends with each other.  I thinkthe term is friend with benefits.  Moving on, I am a guy so the benefits part doesnt bother me one way or the other, but it seems like it bothers her. 

In all honesty I like this girl a lot in every way, enough to be her friend while she dates other guys and lies about it.  And by lieing i mean obmitting the truth or carefully saying things to not say how she truely feels about anyone or anything.  Recently she told me that it would be bad for me to focus on a relationship with her.  Funny because I wasnt focusing on one with her.  I told her that but since she likes to think she knows what i mean or what s in my best interest she isnt paying attention to what i am saying.  I am not stupid I dont see signs when they are not there and do read more into the signs that are.  no matter how much we talked or do anything else I always consider us as friends first.  I told you I understood your position, for those of you reading her position is that i am so ****in annoying that she could never see her self with me because she isnt sure that we are compatible, I always understood her position and its ok.  Yes, I hoped that one day it would change but I havent stayed inside the house hoping for that moment everynight. 

I keep saying I understand but she keeps repeating the same stuff like I'm mentally slow or something.  So then today I call to wish her mom happy mothers day and she tells me we need to talk.  Yes folks she actually said, We Need To Talk, men are aware of how bad that saying is.  So she calls me a little later and tells me that she feels like she needs to focus on herself and that i shouldnt hope for a relationship with her, I go okay.  I reacted calm because she pulled the same thing a long time ago so i already know where this is heading.  She tells me that she needs to focus on her self, I say fine, then she goes your okay with that and i said yes. Then she told me a little more, she said that because of the type of person she is she needs to try to make everyone happy, and she is so focused on that, that she is making herself unhappy.  All i say is that how can you hope to make everyone happy, you cant hope to make everyone happy, pick one person and go with it.  I said one person and I mean one person, truthfully I dont care if I am that person, I am just so ******* tired of seeing her go back and forth with her life.  She has this annoying habit of leting so many people run over her, and I hope that I am not one of them. 

She is a great girl but I dont see how I could ever hope to be with her because she never truely knows what she wants, or if she has never felt the urge to express it with me.  I feel almost like she wanted me to be upset or wanted me to be angry the way she said it.  I keep trying to tell her I understand who she is and how she is and dont want to change her.  But she seems to be always reading into me more than i am saying.  Read this word for word, I love you and dont care how insane you are, when you know who are what you want let me know, if its me great i think we will be happy together, if its not so what you are one of my best friends a title i dont throw around easily or take away.  We will always be together and always be close.  If you want some guy who is bad for you and will only hurt you fine, its your life make whatever decisions you want to.  I will still be here for you when its all over, because thats what friends do.

You know what just occured to me after all the guys i heard  and read about hearting you I dont think I ever have.  I never read about the times I make you laugh or the times I come through for you.  I just want to know in addition to annoying the **** out of you do i ever make you happy?  Do I ever make you laugh?  Do I ever cheer you up when you are sad?  Do I make you cry?  Do I make you sad?  Do I do anything other than annoy you? Do you even know?  Well whatever you do and whoever you do it with, I will always be there for you.  Just tell me what you want......

You know men arent that hard yet it seems that everywhere I look theres some girl talking about how she doesn't get us, yeah like were the ones that crazy.  Funny thing happened at work today I am talking to a female co-worker and I make a remark that I thought was funny, but she didnt.  Heres why this is so important, my remark was funny everyone in our office thought so but she didnt laugh becuse she thought I was saying something other than what I was saying.  WOMEN READ CAREFULLY!!!!

I always say what I mean.  Its entirely to hard to meet women and speak in some type of code.  I read a poem from another blogger on here yesterday and the poem was very interesting, it was about a guy and a girls relationship and how they bothed viewed things, and the whole time in the poem the girl is second guessing everything, the guy, herself, things she knows to be true.  Why?  Because women feel the need to make things more difficult than they are, if a guy says hey lets get a bite to eat it means "I would like to get a bite to eat and possibly try to sleep with you".  Feel free to ***ume that whatever a guy is saying that he does in fact want to sleep with you, but that is the only thing you should add to what a man is saying to you. 

So women do this one favor for me, the next time a guy says something to you take it word for word to be what he wants (and ***ume that he wants to sleep with you) trust me the relationship will work much better.

This is so insane I am reading through Blogs and its all these women who are saying that they dont get guys.  It make no logical sense, you know how easy we are to get.  All straight men have one thing in common thier love for women.  Some of us handle it differently but basically its all the same. 

Its really funny to me, last night I am on the phone with my little cousin and he is askin me about women and I am so happy because after 22 years I was finally able to give him an answer that i believed in.  I was like hey be honest with her and say exactly what you want if that isnt good enough for her than move on there is plenty of fish in the sea.

I wonder does anyone really believe that anymore?  That there is plenty of fish in the sea....  I do, even though right now I am focusing all of my attention on a specific fish, I know that if she doesnt work out as bad as it will be, there will be someone else, there always is. 

And thats the morale, no one came avoid being hurt, and no one can avoid following in love forever, but when it happens if it doesn't work out than get up and dust yourself off and find yourself another fish.

I am not saying that the first fish isnt special, just saying that the most important fish in your life will be the last one.............

Life is so crazy, I am young without children and a wife, and do okay for myself so why am i never happy for more than a moment.

Crazy fact about me, I am truely a self desturctive person. I have skills that mean that i should be doing more with my life but i dont, i dont know why. Its upsetting but true.

Ex. like love, i can name the three women in life who i have loved enough to make great sacrifices for, funny things is that none of them felt the same way. its a horrible feeling to love someone that doesnt love you and yet i have managed to do this on three seperate occasions. Its the chick in me that believes in love and true happines, and the warrior in me that says that one day i will win and i just need to hold on a little bit longer. of course the lawyer that i am doesnt think either is right but whenever i can get a lover and a fighter to agree on something i stick with it.

last night i was hurt by a conversation i had with a friend, i found out some info that i was previously unaware of, what hurt wasnt the intel but the fact that i wasnt previously aware. secrets between friends suck. she made me feel as if she had a completely different life that i was unaware of, that i didnt really know her at all, because at heart i am a fact finder i was happy to learn something new. it made me feel as if she thought i was such a punk that i couldnt handle info that i wouldnt like, as if i have never had bad news in my life. i know that she thought that she was protecting me ut what man wants to be shielded by a woman. now i wonder if she doesnt like because of who i am or because of who i am not.

eitherway with the new info that i now have i should just give up and throw in the towel. that would be the lawyer talking.

warriors dont give up until the field can no longer be fought on, translation= until she decides someone else i will be there fighting for her. some things cant be given up on in life, i truely believe that she is one of them. i would stop tomorrow if i thought i wasnt in her best interest but i know that i am the best man for her.

i damn the world not because i am angry but because i am frustrated, the only thing worse than running a race you know you are going to lose is not being able to stop running it.

damn the world........

I love women, so much it hurts. I truely feel as if i respect them, i didnt have a father growing up but my mom was always there, she was so strong and helpful, but never onece tried to help me understand women. i have had some serious relationships, but every time i want somoen they never want me. they tell me i am great and that some girl would be so lucky, and they hope they find a guy like me but they dont want me, i suppose that is this world i will always come in second.

I have always given my all to relationships and never once did i feel that it was returned, it seems as if the more i offer the less they want.

Theres a girl right now that i care about a lot. but i cant love her, because in her i see so much it appears to be a dream, or a trap. I am not a coward and would quickly gamble with my heart for someone i love, but what happens when that love isnt returned, simple, you fall apart. i could be great for her but she wont give me a chance. life is so funny like that, she will choose every guy thats wrong and hateful to her and not the one who loves her.
if love was a bullet i would put my mouth on the barrel and let it do me in.

Its funny when i look in the mirror i see three people...
1. The Warrior= This is the guy that keeps me going no matter what, the one who tells me that i got one more in me, i am not ready to go gentley. he is also the one i understand the lease, like he is buried somewhere inside of me and we dont really openly communicate but i know what needs to be done a lot of times soley because of him.

2. The Lawyer= This guy is great! I truely believe that my inspiration comes from him, he helps me get out of situations where my brute strength is not going to do it for me. He also hapens to be a smart***, its him that people dislike about me the most. but they never seem to dislike him when he comes up with the plan to save them. He is the part of me that runs the show he has 50% control at all time, hes who i see myself as.

3. The Girl= This chic sucks. she is the effect of growing up in a house of women, she makes me do things i wouldnt want to do and stops the other two from making me stronger. but she as wisdom to my actions, and makes me a better lover so i could no easily get ride of her than i could the warrior. she is my soft side where all my emotions hide. the emotions that the world says i shouldnt have. its funny i have only shared her with two women in my life and neither seems to appreciate it, so i say screw the *****.

its funny that people think that by changing one item abou thereself that someone might love

You know its funny, I do everything I can for my friends and family.  Maybe its all in my head but i truely believe that anytime someone has asked me for something I have came through for them.  I was once in a very serious relationship and even after it ended the girl told me that if she ever needed anything she would come to me first because I am always there for people.

But today something weird happened, I realize that my family was worried about me over reacting to some bad news.  Then I thoughtback to a friends recent confession about how she was worried that I would be hurt by her secret so she didnt want to tell me, thats when I realize that people dont really know me to well at all.  I always thought of myself as an open book to the point that anyone who is the least bit observant could realize that I dont overact.  Yet all of that is beside the point.  At least its not the true point of this post.

It turns out that my little sister is pregnent ( I have two sisters, both younger than me the one who is pregnent is the yongest she'll be 18 in August) and she didnt feel that she could tell me.  Its wierd how close I al\ways thought we were untill this happened.  I am not upset about the pregnency just about the fact that I am the last one to find out.  Not right!  I am not so happy about her being pregnent but she is my little sister and I love her and I am sure that I will find a way to get through this.  Life Just isn't fair............