Time to kick myself up the backside

I'm feeling quite low today, even though the sun is shining.

I've got such a low opinion of myself, my self esteem is at rock bottom, I look awful and feel even worse.

My relationship is dragging me down further, I've tried being nice as regards ending it with him but he still won't accept it.  This weekend I can see lots of fireworks happening as my son is going off to his dads which will give me the opportunity to finally try and make him understand that it's finished once and for all.  I don't want to be a ***** about ending it, he's a lovely guy but I don't love him anymore, I don't fancy him and can't bear him to touch me.  I want out and he's just going to have to accept it.  I don't want to be horrible in ending it, last time he begged and begged me to try again and I relented - BIG mistake. 

I guess that's why I'm so down as I know this is coming, but at the same time I can't wait.  I feel a bit like a chick inside an egg that's just got to wait a couple more days before breaking out to freedom!

All I want is to be on my own, time for me to sort my head, heart and home out, without the restrictions I felt from being with him.

As the title says, Welcome

This is my first ever blog and a place for me to ramble on without being judged by family/friends.

I've lived too long dancing to everyone elses tune, it's time for me to make up my own and dance my own dance.

This is where it begins.

To start with I need to get rid of negative influences/people/things in my life, I have a list of these, the main one is my boyfriend, sorry but you've got to go. 

He's the voice of doom, puts a downer on most things and drains me physically, mentally and emotionally - definately not good for me. 

He does do lots for me, without me even having to ask but I don't love him and find being around him makes me physically ill, I've been taking anti depressants for the past two years, I've been with him for three years and when he's not with me I feel much better when he's here I feel like I've got a big black cloud above my head.

Yes I know I'll have to do everything myself but you don't learn if somebody else does everything for you.

My house is a bomb site, everything is all over the place, I'm a hoarder!  I've decided that stuff has got to go, I'm going to try selling it off on Ebay to make some money to take my son on holiday this year, money is always tight as I don't work and have to rely on state benefits (due to health problems).

I'm taking stock of my life and everything that's in it. 

I have almost completed moving my sons things into the loft, he wanted the loft as a bedroom which I've had boarded out and electrics installed, it's looking pretty cool, just a few bits and bobs to finish off and he can move in. 

This will give me his old room to use as a craft/ebay room!  I'm going to aim at listing one bag of stuff per day.  I hope this will (once it's all sold) make me around £1500, great for the holiday, kennel fees are going to be huge as I've got 4 cats, 2 dogs, rats, guinea pigs, hamster, gerbils, fish and may well have chickens before too long!

My son and I are virtually on our own, his father lives in Manchester and sees our son every 2 weeks normally.  I'm not close to my family, they've let me down too many times but I'm always there for them!

As for me, myself and I, I've put on over 5 stone in the last 3 years, my b/f 'feeds' me, now I've realised this along with his other controlling ways he's going to hit the dirt.  I have more respect for myself and my inner strength is fighting to come out, I can feel myself getting stronger each and every day. 

I used to be so full of life and laughter, it feels like that was somebody in a previous life, but I want to be that person again and there is only me stopping me - I'm not going to let him control my life anymore. 

Well I'm off to pick up some craft items from a kind lady on Freecycle, I love arts & crafts.

When I come back I'm going to finish off my sons loft bedroom and make dinner - home made cottage pie, I love to cook and make most things from scratch, it's great as I know what goes into our food and I add lentils or soya to stretch it that bit further and put some in the freezer for another day.

I'm quite old school really in my ways but the way the world is going I think it's a good thing that I can sew, cook, garden etc.... but that's for another day