My Blog

may 5

ok, today is my last day at GRH... im excited, but stressed at the same time... oh well, i will just keep busy with school work and stuff so that i dont have time to think about stressful things... hopefully they dont build up again... if they do i guess i will just have to learn how to deal with it.

i saw my mom yesterday, and she said that i can stay at her place tonight and maybe tomorrow too...

talked to gail (my boss) and i think im fired, i dont know for sure, but she said that we "need to talk" and that cant be good.  got a note from the dr. at CAIP tho... i kind of hope that i am fired so that i can find a job closer to home.  im tired of taking 30 minutes to get to and from work!

saw my dad last night.  we discussed what it would take for me to be back visiting.  no more cutting was his answer.  i am trying really hard not to tho.  i understand that he doesnt want to expose my siblings to it, but i try really hard not to do it there.  its a lil frustraiteing, but i told him that and he said that i was strong enough that i can get through this and eventually become a paramedic and influence and make a difference in peoples lives.  yes i have made a career change POOF.

going to invite steve over for dinner this coming week.... maybe terri and aaron too... dont know tho...

have to ask Kevin if i can take barney (barney is this huge massive dog of theirs) for walks everyday.  hopefullly i can ask this week and start next week... i just want to do it so that i have something that i like to do... but i do still have to ask him.

Mrs. Zach says that we arent going to book anymore appointments because she feels like she is enabeling me.  i think maybe she is, but i try to do the things that she says, its just hard... and im not as bad as i was in november., because in november i would have killed myself and not cared who found me, now if i do it i will feel guilty because i wouldnt want anyone to find me but at the same time i would... its kind of confusing... i dont want someone who i care about find me because i dont want them to feel like its their fault...

mrs. zach says she wants me to do 2 things this weekend...

  1. be positive

2. be selfish

i have a hard time being selfish, so this will be a difficult weekend... plus i have to go to work tomorrow and i dont know how that will go... i need to pay off my tab (NTS)

ok well, i actually blogged quite a lot!  WOW!

anyway... gonna go now, its almost lunch.

ttyl all

 - randii -

Beautiful Disaster

{ 11:55 AM, May. 5, 2006 } { Posted by missbhaven83 }

Hey girl,
Okay, in the past I did the same things. I would have this "somewhat" positive outlook and a list of things that I want or need to get done to better myself and it would be a lot. Almost too much. In your blog you wrote about like five different things you want to do. One thing that I have learned the VERY HARD way is that you can't do that to yourself. Your building up these impossible expectations for yourself at this exact moment when what you really need is one step at a time. Trust me...you can can accomplish all these things with time...but putting that pressure to get all those things done and when you don't reach those goals right away... you lose it. Your world seems to crash down once again. You need a lot of time. Your not going to get where you want to go by rushing. I wish I was part of your family because it just seems that your family doesn't understand your decisions and almost want to punish you for how you feel. I know your seeing a counselor but honestly they should be too. It sounds harsh but they are trying to force you to be happy. That's not gonna happen.
It's funny but I have heard that we all "write" our own path in life. Even though it sounds f*ucked up...it's kind of crazy/beautiful...because getting past these crazy/out of control parts of your life is just so liberating. Your life is going to be beautiful..trust me. Your life, like mine, is a beautiful disaster.
Take care...love...Tara


Edited by missbhaven83 on May. 5, 2006 at 8:57 AM

Untitled Comment

{ 1:32 AM, Jul. 5, 2006 } { Posted by Anonymous }

Good old CAIP.. I was there only 2 weeks after u were.. weird eh??

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