My Blog

contemplaiting... *(mega blog)*

alright, so im sitting here, thinking about suicide again, i already cut and i felt slightly better, but now i feel like crap again.  i prollly shouldve called CMHA distress line, but i didnt want to tie up the phone line and i didnt want someone to walk in while i was spilling my guts, because that would be embarassing.  im tired of feeling like this.  i just want everything to be better.

why is it illegal to kill yourself?  im really curious about this because it isnt like they can know what you are going through, so why do thye get to decide that its illegal?  any thoughts?

i miss my family so much.  maybe if i kill myself it will end the hurt? 

last night i was talking to a person, and she said that she thinks if we kill ourselves then we go to hell.  and that god has a plan for all of us.  and that plan doesnt include suicide.  i think she is wrong, but she made me feel so crappy.  i mean, think about it, she was supposed to make me feel better and she just made me feel worse.

im hungry, i didnt eat anything this mornign because i was busy going and freaking at getting to school on time because my packaging exam was due.  i also didnt make a lunch because i ran out of the house so fast.  oops, i only locked my door, oh well... thankfully my prof accepted it late. phew.  that could have been a close one, i mean its an exam, she didnt have to accept it.

apparently she was worried about me.  she asked my BF where i was and he tried calling my cell, but seeing as i dont have any minutes he couldnt get through.  i wonder why she was worried?  why does she care?  i mean, i dont want a teacher who doesnt care at all, but it isnt her job relally to be concerned... is it? 

my face is itchy...

so yeah... i cut when i was in the darkroom... there was an exacto knife in there and i scammed it... i am aware that this is stealing, and im aware that this is bad, but i dont care at the moment.  i will replace it by the end of the year, so i dont feel so bad.

POOF if you are reading this i apologize.  and thanks for this morning. but i felt like **** and i ddint know what else to do. i guess counselling isnt getting me very far because im still doing this stuff that is "bad" (its in "quotes " because i know logically it is wrong, but emotionally its all i am really good at doing)

so0 anyyway, i worked all weekend, hoo-rah.  oh well, gotta pay the bills right?  and i am having my fridge thawed because it isnt working.   then i realized just how little food i have because i only needed 4 things to be put in my landlords fridge.  but i had lots of freezer food, 3 grocerie bags.  but it was mostly hot dogs and chicken.

i feel like crap.  i just want to jump - just so that i dont feel like crap anymore.  i watched pay it foreward last night, my fave quote: "The world is ****." totally agree, whats the point in life?  i mean, we all die at some time right?  so why should it matter if i go earlier?  kids die everyday from things like cancer, so why cant i by my self?  anyway, im gonna wait for the bell to go, because its almost lunch, im not really hungry anymore, meh...

ttyl all

 - randii -    - _ -