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feel like crap.,..
{ 3:06 AM, Sep. 11, 2006 }
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ok so i still feel like crap about how im not moving back in with my mom again,,.. i mean, i dont feel like crap that im not going i feel like crap that my mom is making me feel really guilty about not doing it. it isnt really fair to make me feel bad about doing what i think is the best for me.so i talked to Lyndz on MSN about it, she said i prolly hurt her feelings and the fact that she was offering help and that i wasnt taking it. but i mean, should i have?? i mean, if she really wanted me to, she would finish the basement/ keep the offer open and not make me choose in such a short time.
then, since i still felt really guilty about it, i cut... oh well. its been a while since i ddi it last so i supose it isnt a huge deal...
then i called grand river distress line, cuz i didnt feel like not getting to say anything like when i talk on CMHA distress line... i was afraid it would be Alex, but it wasnt, thank goodness... i think i would have hung up if it was him. i dont need anyone judging me on a distress line, i get enough of that from people i know.
she was nice... her name was vivian. she was a good listener... i told her my name was chantelle (not an entire lie cuz that is my middle name) and i gave her my moms address... i dont know why i did, i just, i dunno... i didnt want her to know i guess...
*shrugs*
anyway... i should go crash... i told vivian i wouldnt cut unless i called again... stupid contract things... and i played with my hamster already, and i told her i would try to sleep and if i couldnt i would watch tv or call again if i needed to, which i dont think i will need to, and even if i do, i prolly wont for at least a few nites, cuz i dont wanna become a regular caller that theyre always like - oh she should be calling around now - cuz i think thats almost like abusing the program.
she said not to worry about what mom thought, because mom should respect my decision and be supportive with whatever i do, and that she should be proud of me no matter what i do... even if i dont become like some super smart doctor or something amazing.
she said that people cared, and that sometimes people didnt know how to show that they cared.... like my dad refusing to see me until i get better...
well, i should go head off to bed,.... gotta be up again in about 3 hours...
ttyl
- randii -
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