My Blog

My Nasty Little Habit

Alright, I level with whoever reads this journal.  The reason I started journaling was because I wanted to do this nasty habbit less.  Thus far, it hasn't really worked. 

My nasty little habit is when I get anxious or nervous or stressed or pretty much anything else (frustraited, angry, feel guilty etc...).  I cut myself. I use razors, scissors, knives... once at work, I was so desperate, I used my fingernails!  I have been doing it for a while, on and off, in the past 1 and 1/2 years, but during the past 7 weeks, I have been doing it regularly (pretty much everyday more than once a day).  I have sought help, I do have some friends (on MSN) who have done this/are doing it. And I didn't even know they did it!  I'm so scared that my mum is going to find out!  She would hospitalize me for sure!  She already wants to because I'm not eating or sleeping. 

Also, when I am forced to eat (my mum does this at least once every other day), I end up getting physically sick.  I don't know why.  I have also been losing about 5 - 10 lbs every week because of this. (Its a good thing I wasn't skinny! lol... but not too many of my clothes fit properly anymore...)

 I have told a teacher at my school whom I trust, and she helped me get to a guidance counsellor.  I also told my family Dr. that I think I'm depressed (we have a history of bi-polar and schitzophrenia in our family), so she has me on a waiting list to see a shrink. 

My counsellor says that depriving myself of food and sleep, and cutting are forms of control.  I can't control what anyone else does, so apparently I do these things to feel like I have some sort of control.  She also says that me not crying is a bad thing too.  She says this is yet another way I have found control.  This all pretty much makes sense to me logically, but I don't want to believe it.  

My teacher tells me that I'm not a bad person for doing this, just that I didn't learn how to cope properly.  I would like to believe her, but find it hard, when it seems that everyone else knows how to cope. And if I were to tell anyone else, I'm pretty sure they would think I was crazy, and belong in a room with padded walls.(which is ironic, because anyone who reads this will know!)

You may be thinking I'm a sick person.  What kind of person feels better when they trade one kind of pain for another?  Well, apparently there are lots of people who do it.  And my teacher gave me a list of things that I could do instead of cutting.  Thus far, they haven't worked either.  I do them most of the time, but still end up cutting, I probobly cut deeper because I'm frustraited that it didn't work. 

Anyway, Please, anyone who can help, I do want to stop.  Please post a message if you have any ideas.  I would greatly appreciate it.  I just want to get better.  To be "normal" again.  I want to be able to wear t-shirts again.  I want to be FREE.

Thanks for listening.  Hope to hear from you soon.

 - Randii -

if i am you

{ 4:28 AM, Nov. 14, 2005 } { Posted by kcr }

If i - am you -
shall you - be me? -
if you - scorn i -
where then - we be? -