My Blog

Sleep...

Ms. Flood, If you are reading this, and you DO NOT want to know how I got to sleep last night, Then DO NOT continue. 

 You have been fairly warned.

But you may want to read some of it, so just skip the first paragraph.

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OK, so I finally decided to take some sleeping pills to sleep.  I took my Melatonin, not 1 but 5 of 'em (they are only 3 mg's each), and 2 of some no name brand over the counter stuff.  I actually got 5 HOURS of sleep!

WAHOO!  That's the most sleep I've gotten in I don't know how long!  I think it's been 5... probobly 6 weeks?  Iunno, it's been so long that I couldn't even remember what it was like to sleep for more than 1 hour a night.

Strange thing is, I feel MORE tired with 5 hours that when I was getting 30 mins to 1 hours a night... hmmm...

At my counselling appointment today, I told her that I took sleeping pills.  You know what she asked me?  Did I take so many so that I could go to sleep, or so that I could go to sleep and never wake up?  I felt insulted!  I wanted to walk out.  But I didn't.

I have a problem, I admit it, but I'm NOT suicidal!  Well, at least, not seriously... sometimes I think about it, but can't do it.  Generally these thoughts are followed by cutting and starving for a few days... probobly to punish myself. Iunno though.

I mean, I've thought about it, and, yes, maybe how to do it.  But I've never actually thought of seriously doing it!! I could never leave my family and friends and school just to be selfish!  I was so upset when I quit my job because I thought that I was being selfish!  I couldn;t commit suicide and drop all my problems on other people!  Plsu, my life insurance doesn't cover Suicide, so my Mum would be screwed for money.  I mean, if a bee stings me and I die, at least my costs will be covered.  I could never be really selfish.  I feel guilty even thinking about it!

  Anyway, apparently if you commit suicide, according to the bible,  you are banished to Hell for all eternity... Iunno about you, but eternity is a LONG time.  I mean, I don't believe in the bible, but I do think that there is a higher power out there that will punish me.

Hmm... what else? 

Oh, I got more bubblepop wrap today, YAY! LITTLE BUBBLES!

hehehe...

Also, I went into the darkroom today, and yes, seriously considered cutting in there, because I was frustraited.  My film canister wouldn't open, the Drama teacher was being demanding (She was an unhappy client with the Rememberance Day assembly.  NOT MY FAULT!  But, since I'm the co-producer, I will take the heat.  wonderful), and I'm tired of putting bandages on a wound that needs stitches. (figuratively speaking).

I didn't do it though, because I don't want my private darkroom privelages taken away.  I mean, my tekk teacher could have said,<< Too bad.  Do it when I'm in the room >>(she had to go and do a supply teacher thing). But she didn't.  She let me go in there and develop my film, which was really cool, b/c what other teacher would let someone who S.I.'s stay in a room with so many temptations?  What other teacher would just leave a student in a room by themselves?

I'm really glad that I can talk to her.  Although, sometimes I feel guilty about that too... She's a busy person, and I'm always... I don't know how to properly say it... not whining, but always there bothering her... don't know how to say.

I just wanna get better... I think?

It's so hard though.... there are so many oppertunities, and it's so easy to do it. 

When I got home, I popped bubbles, got a drink, took some Ativan, and still cut.

Why do I keep failing??

Maybe I'm meant to just do this forever?

Maybe I'm meant to be just some schmuck who can't keep a job and constantly bee on welfare, or who will have the worst job ever, live a mediocre life, hit and abuse my kids, make my kids give me money, force my kids to drop out, and just keep this stupid vicious cycle that my Mum has created?

I really hope not...

Well, that's it for now.  Will post later probobly.

Comment or e-mail if you'd like.  I don't care.

- Randii -

mai_014@hotmail.com