The Unknown Realm

I wish I could make all of the **** in my life go away.  I wish I could stop being so angry with everyone and stop making everyone so angry at me.  I wish I could just fix it all.  I wish I could fix me.  I wish my dad would stop being such an asshole.  I wish he would actually start giving a **** about me.  I wish I wasn’t such a dead-beat.  Or at least destined to become one.  All of the things people think about me seem to be wrong.  People either think the worst of me or they think the best of me.  I can’t take it.  It’s too hard for me.  And if what everyone keeps telling me is true, life just goes downhill from here.  I’m not sure if I’m willing to stay in it.  I’m not sure if I’m willing to put up with being treated like **** by everyone including myself.  I’m sick of fighting.  I’m sick of all of it.  I’m sick of my life, I’m sick of my dad, I’m sick of myself.  I’ve been fighting the crazies for way too long and I’m just not willing to put forth any more wasted effort.  Let it be a blank white screen.  If I could die tomorrow, I would.  I wish I was in a coma.  Then maybe they could all hold onto knowing that I wasn’t dead, but I could still get away.  I wouldn’t have to be my own parent any more.  I wouldn’t have to be a father to my dad any more.  I wouldn’t have to be the good niece/granddaughter any more.  I would just be ‘that poor little girl in a coma’.  I wouldn’t have to be a good friend any more, or a good student.  I wouldn’t have to go to work and think that they’re just looking for an excuse to fire me.  I would never have to feel like I was ‘bad’ again.  I would just be oblivious.  Comatose.  Close enough to dead to make me happy, and far enough away from it to make everyone else happy.  And then maybe one day, I’ll just die out of the blue.  People die every day.  People go into comas every day.  So why hasn’t it happened to me?  It’s not like I want or deserve to live anyways, so what’s the harm in one more added to the death toll? 

No one really listens.  I don’t think anyone ever listened in the first place.  We’re all too busy listening to our own crying in the dark to realize there are other people in the dark right beside us sobbing long into the night.  That’s my problem, you see.  I keep relying upon other people to listen, other people to save me, but they won’t.  The problem is, I have to save myself, but I don’t want to.  I don’t want to save myself.  Because that will only confirm the fact that I’m all alone, and I’d rather hold onto the false, feeble belief that there is someone out there who wants to save me.  Even if there is, I think by the time they find me it’ll be too late.  I’ll have died from self neglect, just like my mother.  In the end we’re all destined to become our mothers.  I guess that wouldn’t be so bad, because I loved my mother, but she was always so lonely and sad, and I’m tired of being lonely and sad, I don’t want to be lonely and sad.  You wonder why I’m writing all of this, probably.  Why I’m putting this somewhere where strangers can read this and pass judgment over my pathetic excuse for a reality.  I’m writing this to stay alive.  Because if I’m not writing this, then I’m just crying alone in the dark with no one to save me.  I don’t want to go back there.  Not again.

I think people enjoyed reading my last blogs.  They were funny, angsty, and petty.  They don’t like this one.  They read this and instead of thinking how young and naive I am as they did with the last one, they think I’m selfish, sad, pathetic, and even pettier than that other blog could ever have been.  But when I write in this one, I’ve got nothing left.  People have sucked it all out of me.  They’ve filed me away as someone funny.  That’s all they want to hear.  The jokes and the laughter.  I’m not funny, and I don’t think I ever was.  I don’t think anyone has really ever found me amusing, only in the way that it’s kind of funny when someone walks into a pole or falls off their bike and skins their knee.  “Boy, look at that person, they just hurt themselves!  That’s pretty funny!  I enjoy watching your pain.”

some poems i wrote last year while i was bored in class...

how can something be correct

when it is wrong?

foolish girl to hope

to think you could belong

most fall down from above

you didn’t fall down;

you fell in love

you fell up.

then you fell down on your knees

and now, don’t you know,

you can’t fall up

you must be lifted.

but who will be there to raise you up?

I am a fool.

For you

Does that make it any better?

I think it just worsens matters…

I love you

IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou

Like a fool

I wear my jester’s hat

Festooned with silk and bells

But you pass me by

Unaware of the sadness behind my smile

You could never guess that you’re the reason for that,

Could you?

So I must say it again,

I am a fool.

i am weak

in my immaturity

face of a child laughing

then the cherub’s face

is contorted

in childish rage

moon eyes

moon face

i am a child of the moon

burbling happily

until my wants are ignored

childish love and admiration

shines in my moon eyes

my lip juts out

in a pout

when affection is not returned

“Mine!”

i shout to the moon

but she belongs to no one

list of my fears (some of 'em are kinda weird... lol)

1. atomic bombs/radiation sickness
2. hospitals/doctors
3. nasty diseases (black plague, small pox, rabies, STDs, diabetes, etc.)
4. big huge trucks (semi’s)
5. rapists and creepy guys (i.e. donald sutherland and his son kiefer *shivers*)
6. the shadow thingies on Ghost that take the bad guys to hell
7. being possessed/satan/some diabolical force
8. becoming a bad person
9. slipping on ice
10. mold
11. fruit
12. not being good enough
13. dying too soon

darkness

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

by Dylan Thomas

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

have some analytical b u l l s h i t

here's an entry

Hey, let's all label that girl because we're stupid assholes!!!

(PS- I wish theBLOGS would just decide to either censor all of the ‘bad words’ or none of them and quit doing the whole I’ll censor this one, but screw that one thing)

Cats make the sound “gack” a lot. 

somewhere along the lines my life seems to have turned into a Mike Pinder song.

I know I never intended this to become a real blog, but it has now, because I need it to be.  I realize that some asshole will probably find it and read things they shouldn’t and pass judgment upon me (as well as the web address) once they somehow figure out who I am.  At this point I don’t give a ****.  It’s happened twice before, and it’ll happen again, but if it does, whoever is responsible for it can go **** themselves.  Repeatedly and painfully.

I'm so screwed when i grow up.

Dick Bartley, because you're just a voice on the radio, you get to be hot in my mind.

THIS IS A DREAM, NOT ACTUAL HAPPENINGS!

by now i'm sure you get the idea.

When I look in your eyes I can’t see anything I like.

Fuck you.

You’re not good enough.

Fuck you.

You’re not strong enough.

Fuck you.

You’re so pathetic curled into a ball in the dark.

Fuck you.

You fill me with revulsion.

Fuck you.

I hate you.

Fuck you.

I can’t stand to look at you.

Fuck you.

You belong here in the dark.

Fuck you.

I wish you were dead.

the world is a stupid place to be.

LIFE SUCKS, THEN YOU DIE.

life in general in words.

okay, so this is an actual truthful entry. but don't hold your breath for another one, okay?

I have a sinus infection, as I found out at a doctor’s visit yesterday.  It was as I had suspected.  Since the only allergy I am aware of having is to Sulfa drugs, I was prescribed the antibiotic amoxicillin.  I thought all was well until 8:30 PM at work.  My stomach began to hurt really bad and I was getting the shakes.  Since I’m new at work and still wanting to make a good impression, I didn’t say anything and tried to do my best, which was a really ****ty job.  It’s only my 6^th time working, and I had to close middle mostly  by myself and I got the impression that my boss was not exactly impressed with the job I did.  So I worked until 9:30 and then I went home, where my stomach continued to hurt really badly.  My dad said he thought it was probably just gas or something, but dude, I’ve had gas before and that wasn’t gas.  It hurt way too bad.  So I went to bed feeling really ****ty and I curled up and fell asleep.  Then I woke up from some really weird dreams and was laying in bed in pain, and I had the thought “Oh, ****, I think I need to throw up.”  Which is weird, since I never throw up.  I mean NEVER.  So I got up and ran to the bathroom with an odd sensation in the back of my throat, and I aimed at the toilet and ralphed.  Some of it hit the toilet, but I didn’t have time to get down far enough to puke just in the toilet.  So puke spewed all over the floor.  Then I had to puke a second time, and I wasn’t about to kneel down in the pile of nasty purple ooze, so it was basically a repeat of the first time.  Then I hurled yet a third time, although this time it was just a teensy bit, since I had already exhausted all of my stomach contents in the first two barfs.  Then I went upstairs and took a shower to clean all the excess splatter off of myself.  Needless to say I did not go to school today…  I slept pretty well the rest of the night.  At 7:00 AM I had to get up to plug in my humidifier, which really works nicely.  Then I slept all day.  So yeah.  That’s why I was gone today.  And to all you non-believers (raiiiii….)  I actually did puke.  You can even come over to my house and look at the evidence and try to figure out what I ate yesterday.

Guess i'm allergic to amoxicillin....