last night and this morning was weird. like...i couldn't tell the difference between my dream...and reality. i thought it was raining in my dream..and when i woke up..it was raining outside. a bunch of different crazy stuff like that.

alex called this morning. i called him back and we just talked. it was nice. i miss him. but ...at the same time..i think we've grown apart. i think we've changed. two very different people. he wants me to come over tonight but..i dont think i want to go. him and daniel. i think we're all just too different. and the past that i miss should just stay in the past. you have to let go of the past to enjoy the future. sid from ice age 2 said something like that. wise words. lol. even from a sloth.

i was all upset last night. i cried on mike. cried silently. cried a lot. i just worry too much. cry too much. i feel bad because i cry a lot. mike said it was ok..but i still feel bad. i hate him seeing me upset. it makes me look like a wuss. like i cant handle things. big things. like i cant handle life. which i can..its just harder for others. i just need help. help handling the things i cant handle on my own. i feel like i'm a failure. yet..i've never really failed at anything. the only thing i've failed at is maintaining a relationship. i couldn't keep it with chris..or david. chris i guess wasn't really my fault. david...i just ...fell out of love. or...actually..i never really was in love and it took me awhile to realize it. :\ i dont know. something like that. but..i hope i'm not fooling myself with mike. i know i'm not. i love him. with all of my heart. and i've never felt this way before. never. and i'm not gonna lose him no matter what it takes. i'm keeping him. as long as he'll let me.

everything changes. i just have to learn how to accept that.

later.