so, this world...is gay (not in the literal sense). i get sad alot. for no reason.

and if there is a reason...it's a stupid, selfish reason.  cause i'm a selfish person. i'm also a jealous person. i get sad because i get jealous of my best friend. she gets so much attention. by the people i want attention from. not so much anymore..but it still bothers me. she started coming to this school last year. didn't like her at first...because thomas did. but...we got through that and we became close. everyone i liked...likes/liked her. i was like...wtf. then i started falling for david. he showed hardly no interest in me. wonder why? well...because she's the one who was trying to get us to talk. so...naturally...he started liking her. i didn't find that out till later though. i knew. before i was told. it was obvious. and i'm pretty sure she liked him too. fortunately, she wasn't at alex's on the last day of school or graduation night. i was. david was. that's when david started liking me. and now we're together...have been for...4 months on sunday. but...as happy as i am with him...i'm still sad. i get sad alot. like i mentioned earlier. and before i met david...i was sad all the time. had no reason to be happy. wanted to die. started cutting. pretended i was happy. but...even though i am happy...i'm sad still. i get sad. especially when i'm alone. prolly cause i have no distractions and have time to think about it. but...i shouldn't get this sad. i got rid of my razors i think last week. it was hard. really hard. i was shaking as i was trying to give him to chris to throw them away. i regret that every night. even though it was the right thing to do. i get sad...when i think about the future. or graduation. or the past. or the present. the world. almost anything. and everytime i get sad...i want to cut. i tried yesterday with a safety pin. but it wasn't satisfying enough..so i stopped. i remembered i still had a razor. i taped it to a page in a notebook i had. i tore my room up looking for it. found it. resisted for awhile. then cut. on my stomach. never cut on my stomach before. i still have the razor. haven't gotten the strength or the want to throw it away yet. i'm sad right now. not sad enough to cut. or angry enough. or what have you. but i'm sad. and i don't know why. i just am. it's like it's a habit. i was so used to being sad that it became a habit. and...when you're sad...you don't have to worry about being knocked off your high horse. when you're happy though...you have that chance of being knocked right on your ass.

i don't know.

i wish i did.

but i don't.

g'nite