so yea. i'm gay. not really.

so...someone said to me the other day something that made me feel powerful, in control, sneaky, and bad. i was talking to matt russo in forensics yesterday and he said i was really cool. because i'll dress in all black but i don't act that way. he said i'm not always saying 'i hate the world. i hate you. i hate myself.' he said i was always happy and loved everyone. i was like, wow, he really does not know me. he's got me all wrong. i guess i hide it well. cause i mean, for real, i hate a lot of people. i hate this world. i hate myself. i do. a lot of the times. like...i was on the way home from school and i was like..wow..i hate me. and i don't even know why. i just f*cking hate myself. i was actually thinking about zaky. and how much i wanted to kiss him. then i got pissed at myself for even thinking that b/c i'm with david. then i was thinking 'do i really love david. or is this just an illusion?'  and i hate myself for thinking these thoughts. i don't want it to be an illusion. but sometimes i think that's all love is. is an illusion. that's all it'll ever be in my eyes. unless one day i fall in love....and really know its love. but then, i may push away b/c...i'd be scared that i'd fall out of love. and...i don't want to get married. cause i'll be the one to get divorced. yes...i will. and i don't want to divorce someone. that'd be horrible. geezus. god..i hate myself. i am sad. officially. i'm lonely. hateful. sad. depressed. pyschotic. dangerous. and i want to cut my wrists. maybe later.

so..my shin hurts. i got nailed in it with a baseball. OUCH. geezus.

to put it nicely....i hope you choke.

i'll ******* hate you for the rest of my life.

jason is here.

bye.