so..yea. i watched how to deal. and...it sorta pissed me off...but made me happy. i'm a lot like hally. (i'm not sure how you spell her name). she's scared to care for a guy cause that means he can hurt her. that's how i am. it's scares me to death. i don't want to be hurt. at all. but..it's too late. if you run from love, it'll chase you around. everywhere you go. so. i'm either screwed..or lucky. i prefer screwed. i think i'm scared to let myself go with david. i mean, i couldn't see being without him right now. i mean, if he broke up with me...i'd probably be devastated. but..i think i'd get over it. i'm not sure. i'm so confused with him. it's like...i'll  not like him. but just because he's immature sometimes. so immature. like...childish. and...i'm growing up. so it doesn't connect. but...when we're just together...i don't want to be anywhere else. it's like...we can have fun..but not be immature. and that's what i like. i don't know. i just stay stressed.

ACT is tomorrow morning. geezus krist. i got upset earlier. i just cried. i guess all this f*ckin' senior **** is stressing the f*ck outta me. i can't handle it. like...if i don't do good on the ACT then i dont' get into usc columbia. that is the only school i want to go to. then mum talked to someone from kicks 99 about me wanting to work at clearchannel and the lady said not to. i'm like..wtf. then what do i do? geezus. i'm gonna do it anyways. f*ck them. f*ck everyone. but i'm not even sure if that's what i want to do with my life. maybe i'll get a major in accounting and not a master's. a minor in marketing and advertising. and then i can find a good job. be a big successful business woman or something. who knows?

yea...i cut last night. and i hate myself for that today. constantly having to hide it. more scars. wonderful. let's just add to the f*ckin collection brittney. damn. i've got to quit. i don't like these scars.. and my mum is gonna see them one day and be like...wtf. and i'll have to explain, then she'll hate me. and get upset. and make me want to cut more. then she'll send me to a shrink cause she'll think i'm f*ckin crazy. which i am. but that's not for a doctor to decide. and i'm not gonna let anyone put me no any damn medication. f*ck that. whatever.

i'm out. i have to get some sleep so i can do my best tomorrow. hopefully i won't bomb it too bad. maybe it wont' be that bad. maybe i'm just overreacting with the whole thing. who knows? it could be the easiest test i've ever taken. i hope so anyways. and maybe after the test i won't be as stressed out. maybe that 'll take a load off.

goodnight.