yea. so. last night. was horrid. well today, last night was horrid. last night..i had a blast. but it all came back to bite me in the ass. because david was upset with me. i told everyone i wasn't gonna drink. cause really, i had no intentions of drinking. at all. but when i got there and was offered a drink, i said no, and then alex talked me into it. and i got plastered. and i hung out with sam and bobby. and not david. b/c i love attention from the male species. i really do. and i told david that today. and i apologized repeatedly. and i still feel bad for it. i feel absolutely horrid about it. but..i guess that's ok. right? and i'm so f*cking retarded. i told david about me cutting. and i really didn't mean to. i didn't want him to know at all. but i told him. and he said he kind of knew because i was wearing a wristband and the only reason i usually wear those is when i cut. and i felt horrible. he told me no more secrets. and now..i want to cut. i want to die. he was so upset with me. he was so worried last night. but...i had fun last night. i was actually happy last night. really happy. ya know? and i didn't get sad not once. because i really didn't have time to sit there and think about being sad. i didn't think about anything that would normally upset me. i had a f*cking blast. so much fun. i was loud, happy, abnoxious. all the things i was before i got depressed. it's just horrible that i can't do that without drinking. maybe one day i'll be able to. one day. but last night was absolutely so much fun. i mean, it has it's disadvantages. which was today when david told me he was disappointed in me. that hurt. a lot. because i truly think that is the worst feeling in the world. is when someone...especially someone you care about..is disappointed in me. so yea. i took some pictures of me earlier crying. cause i was really upset. uber upset. all i do is hurt david. one way or another i hurt him. and i don't think he deserves that. he deserves so much better. and all the friends i have. i don't deserve them. i don't deserve any of them. i don't deserve david. i don't deserve anyone or anything i have. if i was them, i'd hate me. if i was david, i woulda dumped me a long time ago. and if not, i woulda dumped me this morning. ya know.. a lot of people have told him to break up with me. that just proves that i'm a bad person. i even thought about breaking up with him. just because i think it'd be best for him. but..i'm not gonna do that.

i really don't know why he loves me. or why he cares so f*cking much.

i'm gonna go now.

bye.