once again, i am a dumb****. yes..i am. i thought i had it under control. but like..for the past 2 days, i've wanted to just take the razor...and go at it. well...tonight..i did. i got home from the fair...i had a great time...i called david. he couldn't come to see me just yet. he had to wait till 9 to leave the mall b/c his best friend was having a surprise birthday party. i should've understood. but, i got upset. i cried...and cut. 16 times. on my right forearm. 16 pigmey sized cuts. all in the same area. just so i could cover it up with a wristband. i feel bad..but at the same time..i don't. i feel satisfied. i've accomplished something. so yea. but i know it's not something you're supposed to accomplish. at all.  it's not something that is supposed to satisfy you. but yet, it does...it did. i have a feeling it will for awhile. i'm trying. i really am. i had it under control for a short time. so. yea. i did ok. although it was worse this time. worse than i've ever done before. i shouldn't have though. i shoulda just kept it clean so that i could take the wristband off. but no, i can't. at all.  now i have to wait at least 2 more weeks. **** i'm a dumb****. jesus, why did i have to get addicted to such a horrible thing. although, i should be congratulated for finding a way to cope. or something. i could kill myself. i could cut too deep. but i'm not. i'm controlling it as far as that goes. but whatever. i'm out...i'm fixing to go back out. bye.