so this is the face behind the scars. the first one was earlier in the night. the second one is from later in the night. i get sad sometimes. no biggy.

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Lost and broken,
Hopeless and lonely.
Smiling on the outside,
and hurt beneath my skin.

My eyes are fading,
My soul is bleeding.
I'll try to make it seem okay,
But my faith is wearing thin.

So help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them up.

I only wanted a magazine,
I only wanted a movie screen,
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed.
And now my mind is an open book,
And now my heart is an open wound,
And now my life is an open soul for all to see.

But help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open and I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me,
So you come along,
I push you away,
Then kick and scream for you to stay.
Cuz I need someone to help me,
Oh I need someone to help me,
To help me heal these wounds,
They've been open for way too long.
Help me fill this hole,
Even though this is not your fault,

That I'm open,
And I'm bleeding,
All over your brand new rug.
And I need someone to help me sew them,
I need someone to help me fill them,
I need someone to help me close them up.

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yea....so i pretty much really like that song. yea. it makes me feel un-alone. i went to derek's band practice today. Seven Last Words. they're really good. although...i have a hard time focusing on the music because i'm very drawn to mike...the singer. very drawn. probably not a good thing. not really into zaky anymore. i mean...gaaa he's gorgeous. but...i know i don't have a chance...so. bye bye zaky. now it's ...hello mike. i know i can't be with mike, but i can hang out with him. so that's cool.

david..does not deserve me. i cheated on him...again. yes...f*cking again. i kissed thomas. f*ck me in the a*s. i'm such a dumbsh*t. i really am. i mean, it happened..i stopped it...and it's over. and i swear if thomas says anything to me at school...i'll rip his f*cking throat out. i don't ever want to talk to him again. just because he started it. i don't trust him and i don't trust myself with him. so, therefore, i don't want to be around him. ever again. and no, i didn't tell david. and no, i'm not going too. but he doesn't deserve me. he deserves better. much better. whatever though i guess. things are gonna end between me and david one day. maybe he'll not love me anymore and break up with me. that'd be easier on me. because i don't want to break his heart. i mean, if i didn't care...i probably would've already. but...i don't know. i stay confused about this sh*t. sometimes i love him to death, and sometimes i wish we weren't together. that we had broken up at the end of july like planned. and i know that 's wrong but i can't help the way i feel.

ok...so it's late right..and i need to go to bed. night night.