so yea. right now..i'm not too sad. i don't know what i am. i think i'm just indifferent.

the other night i was really sad. i cried..and cried. and..i had no one to talk to. but..i don't go to anyone anyways. i let them come to me and ask whats wrong. and even then sometimes i dont' tell them. but...i wrote a bulletin on mypace and it said "i'm sad. the end". and mandi left me a comment asking what was wrong. and she asked if i wanted to talk. i sent her a message telling her i wouldn't come to her..cause that's just not me. so..i told her she'd have to ask me what the **** is wrong with me..or something to that nature. and so...a little later...i read her away message on aim. and in it was a message to me. and she said..i'll be back...this is me..asking you what the **** your problem is.   there was more to it..but that's the just of it. so..we talked later. and i completely spilled my guts. it felt great. after that i was fine.

so last night was fun. it was great fun. lots of fun. and i feel bad because it didn't even involve david. it involved, me, derek, mike, dave, kyle, and his chik K. i went home with derek after school...we washed his car and jumped on the trampoline. his mum and sister got home, then dave and mike showed up. we ate. then kyle and k showed up. they ate. then we left to go to mike and dave's apartment. that was fun. so much fun. when we first got there..mike and derek played guitar. them someone grabbed the little basketball and we started playing basketball in their living room. that was fun. [i like mike] yea. then we calmed down and they played guitar again. then we decided to watch tv. i sat on the couch. and then mike came and sat beside me..and he gave me a big hug. and he put his arm around me. yea. i pretty much like mike. :)  yea. then it was time to go. :(   derek caught on to the fact that i didn't want to leave mike..and i didn't have to say anything or nothing. so..derek was like..anyone want to ride with me. so i'm not lonely on the way back. and he looked at mike.and said..hey mike..you want to ride with us. and mike was like...sure. so....yea. i was in the front at first. then mike reached around the seat and like..put his hand on my side. then i crawled in the back with him. he put his arm around me and said 'i kinda feel bad because you have a boyfriend" and nonchalantly i said 'yea me too' as i was snuggling closer to him.  anyways...we were on the way home. and mike whispered in my ear "you are so beautiful." :)  yea. i was like...wow. then i just sat there...with his arms around me. then he said hey..and i looked at him...and he kissed me. :)  yea.. he did. and.....i kissed back. it was....amazing. and i didn't even feel bad. i don't regret it or anything. and a little bit later he said 'this doesn't freak you out does it..because i'm so old'...i was like...'i thought you'd be freaked out because i'm 17.'...and he's like..no. so...yea. he's only 23. he's wonderful though. and i feel sorta bad b/c i'm with david. but...if i loved david..i would feel regret for last night. and i don't. i want to see mike again. anyways..we got to my house. and...he was looking around..and all my senior pictures are around and he said he wanted one. so..i gave him one. and he told me to sign it...and i asked him what he wanted on it..and said..or mouthed..phone number. so..:)....yea.  i really like him a lot. and i don't know what to do. i wouldn't want to get into a relationship with him b/c i don't want a relationship if i broke up with david. so..i don't know. but anyways..mike called as i was writing this. :)   yea..he did. he asked me if i was mad at him about last night. i was like.....no. not at all. he wants to see me this week. and he wants to hang out. :)   yea..that makes me happy. so...we might hang out. he said he had a great time with me last night. he likes me...aww. :)   i can't stop smiling. and i can't stop thinking about him.

but yea...david's here. and i have to go to a show tonight. our school is putting on the play oklahoma. so..yea. i love you all. and i'm in a great mood. :)   bye.