soo..yea. today has been a really weird day. sorta bad i guess. i just feel crappy. death has been on my mind all morning and i don't know why. like...not old age death...murder death, suicide death. and not my death either. it was all on the way to school. first i was thinking about if david came up to my house again at 3 am...and pulled out a gun and held it to his head and said "if you don't love me and don't go back out with me i'm gonna pull the trigger"...then i thought of it with him and a razor. he'd press the razor down more and more until i finally said yes. i'd have to dump mike and go with david. i'd be miserable. i thought of me..during school afterwards. i wouldn't be able to focus on anything. it would be horrid.

then i thought of david rushing into mike's band practice...threatening to beat the **** outta him. david pulls out a knife and leaps towards mike. david stabs mike then dave (mike's cousin) leaps onto david beating the crap outta him. it's just...horrible. both of those thoughts felt more like  a dream than a thought. like...it felt like it could actually happen.

haley came in the cafeteria this morning (this is real) and was talking about "crazy sex" with mitch. i don't know why but for some reason it bothers me. maybe cause she's gettin some and i'm not? a thought. none the less. or maybe it's because she had said awhile back that she didn't want to have sex for a long time. or because she used to be innocent. well...innocent as in she had never had sex. i don't know. it shouldn't bother me though, and i know this.

i wanted to say "i love you" to mike last night. but i think the only reason i wanted to say it is because it woulda felt like the right thing to say. not because i meant it. so..therefore..i kept my mouth shut. me and mike have fun together. i really like him. a lot. but...derek told me this morning that mike is like..ignoring dave basically. not ignoring him, but derek said he walked in the house yesterday and dave was like "whats up dude" and mike just said "i'm going to brittney's. bye"  i don't want that. mike and dave are close. i don't want to take dave away from mike. at all. they're cousins. roomies. friends. but..i don't know what to say to mike..or dave. or anyone.

sooo...i'm at school and there was just this announcement for all seniors to go to the gym for a senior class picture anddddddd i'm not going. :)

anyways. i feel worthless right now. no, not because of the senior picture thing. i'm not even sure why. i just feel like i'm not worth a shiit. (yea..double i's) i sorta miss david. but that's only sometimes. and i miss chris cato..sometimes. and cato is here. like..if i wanted to..i could date him. right now. but...i'm with mike..i care for mike...cato is with april..and he cares for her. however, if i wasn't with anyone, liking anyone or attached or w/e...and cato wasn't either...and if i wasn't a senior..then i'd give him a chance. and i dont like that. i wish i could just plain out forget him. that'd be nice.

anyways...i guess i might as well go. i have nothing left to write. my mind is jumbled. full of death and hate. and i don't know why. i don't have a clue what's going on. it's crazy effed up shiit.

later...