so, i wrote suicide notes to my friends tonight. i'm not planning on committing suicide though. it was just...something to do. as i wrote though...i felt that suicide wouldn't be so bad afterall. i was thinking that...it'd be better if i just died. fell of the face of the earth. but...i resolved that problem. i've cut twice in the past 2 weeks. last thursday and tonight. 7 thursday on my left forearm. and 2 sort of tonight over those. in the shape of a cross...again. i just sorta got mad...angry...sad. everything. maybe that's what subconsciously put the suicide note idea in my head.

this week is the most stressful ever. i have exams. ew. gross. i hate them.

sunday i went to band practice. after that...the church was holding a service. it was...dreadful. i mean..not in a "church sucks" sorta way. the pastor was talking about being in the dark. being confused. having doubt. letting faith slip. he said 'if you're in any of those situations then come out of the dark. come into the light. let Jesus show you the way'   that bothered me. highly. my hands started sweating. i was digging my nails into my hand. i don't understand why it bothered me so bad. some of it made me angry. i was just thinking about how stupid all these people are for relying just on faith. people were crying and praising God. mike let go of my hand and leaned over. i think i heard a sniffle from him. he told me later he gets upset a lot because of his grandma. she died 3 years ago and he hasn't really ever gotten over it. yea.

he asked me on the way  home if i really thought we could work. i was like...yes. and i asked him if he was having doubts and he was just like 'i don't know because what we believe is on opposite ends of the spectrum'. i was like..wow..religion is gonna get in the way of us being happy and being together. and that's his fault. of course...i start crying. i asked him if he expected me to change my belief just to be with him. he said no. he pulled me to him and told me he was sorry for upsetting me. he didn't want to be another jerk like guys before. of course..i told him it was ok. but he said it wasn't. i told him i really wanted us to work. he does too. the religion thing will have to work. i'm not changing. he'll just have to respect what i believe in. just as i respect him for what he believes in.  mmhmm...and that's how it is.

so...i'm getting sick. doesn't that suck? oh yes..it does. i have a cough. :) it sucks a$s. (since they bleep the f*cking curse words n all)  i'm getting sick..during exam week. 12 days before christmas. f*ck. ****t. as$. biitch. yea...i made it possible.

fight paris is gonna be at sector 7 friday night. and even if i'm sick..i'm not missing it. because that's like...whoa. major shiit. saturday me and mike are going shopping for my mum deddy and brother. sunday is my mum's birthday. mon-wed [oh shiit..i'm coughing and it hurts bad] i'm hanging out with mike as much as possible. thursday he's going to summer's wedding and friday he's leaving for pennsylvania. to go see his rents. he doesn't know when he'll be back. :( yea..i'll miss him. what?

so..i'm gonna go now. i feel horrid. and i may need to get to sleep. exams are important. F*CK!!!!!!!! i hate life sometimes. lets go die all.

oh..p.s. david...is up at college...drinking his life away...and breaking some girl's heart. he had sex with her...and she really likes him. i hate him. with a passion. maybe i miss him more than i thought? maybe i care a lot? maybe i'm....jealous?