now is one of those times when i feel like ramming a dagger right through my heart.

i just feel so alone.

so lost....and alone.

like no one in this world cares.

when i know they really do.

well..some people.

which..i wouldn't blame them if they didn't care.

i'm a b*tch a lot of times.

and i'm probably mean to people.

a lot.

i dont know what my deal is.

it is one of those times though..

when i wouldn't mind dying.

and if my mum and deddy didn't care..

then it'd be 10x easier to kill myself.

but..i know that would kill them.

which is probably the only reason i haven't even attempted suicide.

if i lose them...

i lose my life.

i dont want to die everyday.

just some days.

even when i am happy though..

i think about dying.

especially when i'm in a car.

i think how cool it'd be if we got in a horrific accident.

i was rushed to the hospital..

and i barely survive.

then everyone would come see me.

and they would shower me with love.

and i wouldn't feel lonely.

i'd know who really cares.

yes, that goes through my head.

almost every day.

yea..i wish i was in a car accident.

probably wouldn't wish it if it happened.

but...i'd get what i wished for.

and ...yea.

i know it's not good to think all that.

and if my rents saw that...they'd be so upset.

they'd already be heartbroken if they read this...

because of the pictures i put in here.

of my wrists...and arms...and whatnot.

i dont think i'd ever have the heart to tell them..

that i cut.

i couldn't do it.

and i'd be severely pissed at someone if they did tell.

but i'd understand as well that they were doing the right thing.

i dont know if i'd thank them though.

cause..it's not like i'm dying to quit.

i enjoy it...when i do it.

and i don't think i could give it up.

honestly..sometimes..i dont know what i'd do without it.

i dont want to quit sometimes.

cause i like what i do.

even though i know it hurts others.

i know that..i wish people didnt know.

but..ever since a chik kristin saw them last year..

and told leslie about them...people have found out.

she told daniel..daniel told alex.

chris found out through a blog i thought he didn't know about.

he told my friend brad.

i was wrestling with thomas one time and my wristband had slipped and he saw them.

i'm sure he told thousands of people.

i know ...that i wish i would've covered it up better..

before kristin had seen them.

she even wrote me anote about how God is always there..

just...go to him.

she thought i wanted to commit suicide.

she didn't know that i was just trying to ease the pain.

a quick swipe...or 5...and the pain is gone.

i'm in a world of ecstacy.

granted..it only lasts for a short while..i still go there.

i couldn't quit.

i need it.

i need it to survive.

even though i hate myself afterwards sometimes.

and i hate having to consistently keep it covered.

i still...i need it.

you see..the injuries..the cuts..

they're my help.

and the blade..is my friend.

as well as my enemy.

even if the blade was taken away..

and i had all the people in the world to talk to and help..

i'd still have to find the strength, courage, and voice..

to say what i'd normally say on my skin.

cause..with the blade..i dont have to explain.

i dont have to think.

it doesnt argue...or contradict..or anything.

so..i'd have to find my voice.

this is still something i'd never tell my rents about.

and even if i did want help..they couldn't afford it.

it feels good to get stuff like that off of my chest.

i have no one to talk to about stuff like this.

no one to just ramble too.

everyone else talks back while i'm talking.

i want to tell my story

and they interrupt and tell theirs.

wait till im finished is all i ask.

i'll listen if you do.

i dont have a true friend here.

i can't talk to haley about everything.

or leslie.

or alex or daniel.

or chris. or mike.

or brad.

no one. i can tell brad more..but..not everything.

goodnight f*ckers.

thanks for listening fags.

[no offense by the way. i just like the words]