RIP Beatz.

Cutting.

Why I Did It.

i guess i'll never truly know the right answer to "why did you cut?" and when i think about it..cutting is so retarded. but...here's m explanation. i had power when i cut. i could cause myself as much pain as i wanted...or as little. the feeling i got when i did it was...like an adrenaline rush. i was in control. no one else was. no one else could hurt me...only i could. i liked the pain. the pain felt good. i'd do it either when i was upset, angry, bored, sad...pretty much anytime. yea...when i was bored. i liked the way it looked. but only right when i did it. later i would look at my arm and realize how much i dont like it. how disgusting it looks. then it would go away. and i'd do it again. cause my vision of what happened that day...was gone. my mark was gone. so i had to make another one. i liked it. i liked the way it felt. it hurt..but it was a release. do i miss it? yes. i miss the feeling. but..i know its not good. and i did need/want to stop. i'd hate to accidently cut too deep. that would...not be good. i started cutting in january of 2005. i started because of chris cato. he left me. i had no way to cope with the pain in my heart. so i took the pain out on myself. it started slow. i'd barely cut. one cut..really small. it actually..maybe started a long time before. i was playing with a box cutter..and i wanted to see how sharp it was...so i pressed it down on my hand. it was...sharp. i had an X mark on my hand for a few days. but i had forgotten about it. when chris hurt me...i remembered it. took the razor out of the box cutter...and cut a small cut in my arm. it only got worse. i'd get where i'd cut everyday. i'd get where i'd have lots of cuts up and down my arm. people knew..but..people thought i had quit. and i had quit..on my wrists. i started on my ankles. no one looks there. after awhile..after i figured they had forgotten about it...i started back on my wrists. and i was right..people had forgotten. then i met mike. and i wanted help. he helped...unknowingly. then...not long ago...i took out the razor and tore up my left arm/wrist. i felt horrible about it. i dont know why i did it. i hate that i did it. but now..i'm good. well..for now..i'm good. i still get the urge. but i try and find something else to occupy my time. like..i guess writing. i write a lot. or i just drown myself in music.

i dont know why i shared all this. i guess i just wanted it out.

that's still not the full explanation i dont guess.

today..all day..i've been thinking about London. i want to go so bad. i just...feel like i wont be complete until i go. its like its calling my name and saying "hey..you'll have something missing until you come here". maybe there's something waiting for me there. like..a job opportunity. or...something. i dont know. i used to think it was the man of my dreams. but ..i've already met him. :) and i met him here. in good ole south carolina. i dont need London to meet a man. i just need London to find whatever it is i'm supposed to find. maybe i'm not supposed to find anything. maybe it's just because its a big dream of mine. i dont know. i have no clue.

i'm going to go. mike's coming over tonight. maybe he will liven up my miserable day.

love love love to the maxcore.